Tina Fey

If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs.

No other formula gives your baby a better start at life except that stuff that comes out of you for free.

A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby’s temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who’s boss.

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

That night’s show was watched by ten million people, so I guess that director at The Second City who said the audience “didn’t want to see a sketch with two women” can go shit in his hat.

I grew up in a family of Republicans. And when I was 18 and registering to vote, my mom’s only instruction was ‘You just go in and pull the big Republican lever.’ That’s my welcome to adulthood. She’s like, ‘No, don’t even read it. Just pull the Republican lever.

I’m the lady next door when I’m not on stage.

But I like to listen to demos. I like to hear the finished product. It’s like listening to a song – I mean, a story. If you’re going to sit here and tell me a story, I just like to listen. I don’t want to make them up.

Don’t worry about being famous or making money; the most important thing is being the best. You have to become a master of your craft, and everything else will come.

I’ve never, ever, raised a fist to anybody in my life.

I’ve had some pretty good experiences on everything, even if the film doesn’t always work.

If you’re an actor and you don’t get cast in stuff a lot, then put together a show or hold play-reading nights at your apartment. Make your own opportunities.

The celebrity thing… I don’t want to sound as if I absolutely don’t want it because that’s not true. If you’re in the entertainment business, you have to be honest. There’s something alluring about it…

At this point, we aren’t just flirting with disaster; we’re rounding third base and asking if disaster has any condoms.

I think I appear very innocent and soft, but I’m actually very dark and edgy. It’s a weird dichotomy.

Welcome to the MTV Movie Awards I am a bit surprised they asked me to host… and so was MTV. They thought I was Adele.

With my platform, I want to try and do good things and help people.

I’ve had many nicknames over the years: V, Nessa, Nessy Poo, Nessy Bear and Van. Only my parents call me Van, though, and I hate it. I get embarrassed.

Twas the nizzle before chrismizzle and all through the hizzle.

I have no talent except for being able to enjoy and recognize it in others.

I think maybe we (Queen) were subconsciously influenced by The Beatles’ albums, I think really, especially the later ones, like Rubber Soul, Revolver and Abbey Road. They were very eclectic albums.