Tina Fey

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am all about money. I mean, just look how well my line of zodiac-inspired toe rings and homeopathic children’s medications are selling on Home Shopping Network.

We’ll probably end up doing a terrible crossover, where the Matthew Perry character on the drama rapes my character on the comedy-and then the ‘Law & Order’ team solves the crime.

Obviously, as an adult I realize this girl-on-girl sabotage is the third worst kind of female behavior, right behind saying “like” all the time and leaving your baby in a dumpster.

At the request of the Catholic Church, a three-day sex orgy to be held near Rio de Janeiro was cancelled last Friday. So instead I spent the weekend cleaning my apartment.

I think everyone’s intentions are to become a performer at first. But by the time I was in high school and college, I discovered that I liked writing and that I was probably a little better at it.

I think women dress for other women to let them know what their deal is. Because if women were only dressing for men, there would be nothing but Victoria’s Secret. There would be no Dior.

Boys love being bossed around by me tho…

I don’t want to be a babe. I don’t want vanity to ever get in the way, because I think to maintain that, you have to be aware of yourself all the time, and that gets in the way of acting. My job’s not to be the beautiful person. My job is to be the best actor I can be.

It’s always great to make a film about people that don’t get along, because you inevitably wind up getting along so well.

I never dreamed I would receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, mostly because my style is so typically Austrian.

I have good health and I am happy to be on the road all the time.

My defenses were so great. The cocky rock and roll hero who knows all the answers was actually a terrified guy who didn’t know how to cry. Simple.

I think a poet is anybody who wouldn’t call himself a poet.

Roc Nation is such an incredible, unique team, especially in the music industry. Everyone genuinely loves and cares about each other.

I have talked to Debbie Hammond quite a bit, Jim Hammond’s wife, his widow. I’ve seen their kids. And last time we played Dallas, a lot of them came over. It’s hard for them to come see the show. It’s still hard.

To me, there’s two types of songs, good and bad. And I just like to stick with the good ones.

Bitches don’t know if they wanna hate you or be you. Lemme change that. Bitches hate you cuz know they’ll never be you.

I believe that in life you should always take the serious things lightly and the light things seriously. This attitude of mine gets me into a lot of trouble.

I have Faith Popcorn on retainer. I’m sorry-what I meant to say is that I have popcorn stuck in my retainer.

I like listening to good music – and I can’t stop playing my album.

I’m just a public-schoolboy. I’ve got a degree. I’m from a middle-class family in Devon. I’ve got no story.