Tina Fey

I still want Oprah to play my best friend. I want to spend time with Oprah.

Say Yes. You’ll figure it out afterward.

You can point any kind of laser at my face, but I don’t think Botox is for me. I think it is bad. People who have too much, they look like their faces are full of candles – a shiny, shiny face.

Somewhere around the fifth or seventh grade I figured out that I could ingratiate myself to people by making them laugh. Essentially, I was just trying to make them like me. But after a while it became part of my identity.

Being a mom has made me so tired. And so happy.

It is an impressively arrogant move to conclude that just because you don’t like something, it is empirically not good. I don’t like Chinese food, but I don’t write articles trying to prove it doesn’t exist.

You wouldn’t pour soda on plants.

I’m often mistaken for Spanish or Latin descent.

If guys don’t respect themselves, they don’t respect other people. That’s times and personalities. And all of them are not that way. But it don’t take but one or two to screw up the whole crowd.

My younger sister and I had the same modeling agency.

I sort of knew I was a bit of a drama queen. I always threw tantrums, so I knew I wasn’t a normal child.

My most favorite joke is that to keep a marriage, the husband should have a night out with the boys and the wife should have a night out with the boys, too.

Oh God, don’t make me come across as a moaner. I think it’s unacceptable to moan about anything when you’re lucky enough to do what I do. What I’m trying to say is I’m more settled now. The thirties have calmed me down. I know who my real friends are, I know what I want to do. In your twenties, you just do everything. It’s just overload all the time. In the thirties, you learn that it’s OK to go to bed early if you want.

Lipgloss is my calling!

Cats know, comin’ out of four, they better be standin’ on it, else they’ll be standin’ in it.

And I’m looking at him like, ‘Oh my God. This is Michael Jackson’. I fainted, blacked out – like seriously blacked out.

You can start any Monty Python routine and people finish it for you. Everyone knows it like shorthand.

Because every person, no matter who you are-how tall you are, how short you are-some things work on you and some things don’t. I don’t like to wear things that feel like costumes. Whenever I work with a stylist, I always find myself saying the same thing: ‘I want my dress to say, I’m just here from New York.’ That’s why I always end up in black or brown. If I try to wear too much color, I feel like I’m pretending to be from Los Angeles and I’m not getting away with it.

As strange as movie making is, doing love scenes for the first time with someone you’ve never even said hello to does work in terms of having a fresh quality to a relationship.

Man, I have had so much plastic surgery, I don’t even recognize myself, sometimes. If I catch a glimpse in a window or something, I think it is someone else.

If there was no ladies, I wouldn’t wanna be on the planet. Ladies, friends, and music – without those three, I wouldn’t wanna be here.