Tina Fey

Most of the time you’re too busy to think about it. But every now and then you say, ‘I work at ‘Saturday Night Live ‘ and that is so cool.

Gravity is nominated for best film. It’s the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age.

I don’t want to be somebody else.

Being a mom has made me so tired. And so happy.

I was a little excited but mostly blorft. ‘Blorft’ is an adjective I just made up that means ‘Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.’ I have been blorft every day for the past seven years.

The only way I could get comfortable around people was to make them laugh. I was an obedient girl, and humor was my one form of rebellion.

Because sex is like boxing, if one of the parties didn’t agree to participate, the other one is committing a crime.

In reality, the main thing that keeps me awake at night is probably the destruction of the planet; that’s what gets me pretty upset.

[about the showbiz lifestyle] It’s all too much trouble for me. It’s probably because I’m fat and lazy and old.

After college, I knew I wanted to work in comedy, so the first thing I did was go to where the comedy was. I moved from Charlottesville to Chicago, because that’s where The Second City and Improv Olympics are. You have to go wherever you need to go to study what interests you.

It’s impossible to get along with David Geffen — his mind just moves so quickly. He’s always brighter than everybody else. I kept saying to him, ‘Sweetheart, you have a sweet side to you, a vulnerable side, but then you can be so mean and awful to people. Yeah, people are terrified of David — his temper, his intelligence. He’s not afraid of anybody.

There’s no comparison between the most precious parts of one’s personal life and success and wealth. If you lost someone near and dear to you, you can’t relate it to any amount of fame, fortune and luxury. You just have to go on living.

This is what I’ve learned about women: A guy’s walking down the street and he kicks a Coke can, and out comes a genie, and the genie says: “I will grant you one wish.” The guy says, “I don’t need anything. I’m happy. I play tennis. I sing in a rock group. But there is just one thing. I want to go to Florida and I hate flying. Can you build me a bridge from London to Miami?” And the genie scratches his head and says, “I don’t think I can do that. That’s a bit too much.” So the guy says, “Wait a minute: women. Can you explain the ways of a woman’s mind?” And the genie looks at him and says, “About that bridge. Do you want a handrail and lights?” It’s a handrail and lights, man. Whenever there’s trouble with women we all go, “Just give me the bridge.” It’s much easier.

Yeezus was extremely purposeful. And what came from Yeezus: Paparazzi are nicer to me. The entire fashion industry is nicer to me.

You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I hope someday you’ll join us. And the world will live as one.

I am sarcastic and dry, but I also have a pretty huge zest for life.

The most romantic thing, a lovely boy bought me a dress once. He got my measurements, actually they were from “The Notebook” and I had them sitting somewhere, and he found them and bought me this dress, tailor-made, this beautiful little black cocktail dress. And I thought that was very, very classy.

And now that you have a child you have to clean up your act, ’cause you can’t drink anymore. You can’t come home drunk and go, ‘Hey, here’s a little switch: Daddy’s gonna throw up on you!’

I like to write about women, not so much about the way they relate to men, but about the way they relate to each other.

Amy Poehler made it clear that she wasn’t there to be cute. She wasn’t there to play wives or girlfriends in the boys’ scenes. She was there to do what she wanted to do and she did not f**king care if you like it.

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.