Cocaine is God’s way of saying that you’re making too much money.
You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.
Spring is nature’s way of saying, “Let’s party!”
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
And now that you have a child you have to clean up your act, ’cause you can’t drink anymore. You can’t come home drunk and go, ‘Hey, here’s a little switch: Daddy’s gonna throw up on you!’
Cricket is basically baseball on valium.
Okra is the closest thing to nylon I’ve ever eaten. It’s like they bred cotton with a green bean. Okra, tastes like snot. The more you cook it, the more it turns into string.
[on his acting career] All the new people you meet, it’s pretty amazing. The vampire needs new blood. And there is still a lot to learn and there is always great stuff out there. Even mistakes can be wonderful.
You can start any Monty Python routine and people finish it for you. Everyone knows it like shorthand.
Time is the best teacher, but unfortunately, it kills all of its students.
Cocaine is God’s way of telling you you are making too much money.
(While accepting the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for Good Will Hunting) Most of all, I want to thank my father, up there, the man who when I said I wanted to be an actor, he said, ‘Wonderful. Just have a back-up profession like welding.’
We have a president for whom English is a second language. He’s like ‘We have to get rid of dictators,’ but he’s pretty much one himself.
Freud: If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.
You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren’t paying attention to.
Carpe per diem – seize the check.
Ballet: Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
Politics: ‘Poli’a Latin word meaning ‘many’; and “tics” meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.
God gave us a penis and a brain, but not enough blood to use both at once.
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
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