Time is the best teacher, but unfortunately, it kills all of its students.
Cocaine is God’s way of saying that you’re making too much money.
A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills, no, no. They’d make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while. About comic lines written by Mark Shaiman being removed for innuendo (i.e. Chip ‘n Dale are both strippers”) the week before for his presenting of Best Animated Film at the 77th Academy Awards: “For a while you get mad, then you get over it. They’re afraid of saying Olive Oyl is anorexic. It tells you about the state of humor. It’s strange to think: how afraid are you? We thought that they got the irony of it. I guess not.”
[on Popeye] If you watch it backwards, it has a plot.
Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.
Spring is nature’s way of saying, “Let’s party!”
(While accepting the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for Good Will Hunting) Most of all, I want to thank my father, up there, the man who when I said I wanted to be an actor, he said, ‘Wonderful. Just have a back-up profession like welding.’
Cricket is basically baseball on valium.
[to troops in Iraq] I’m looking at a group of heavily armed people here. I’m telling myself ‘if you’re not funny, it’s a problem’
Okra is the closest thing to nylon I’ve ever eaten. It’s like they bred cotton with a green bean. Okra, tastes like snot. The more you cook it, the more it turns into string.
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Politics: ‘Poli’a Latin word meaning ‘many’; and “tics” meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.
You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.
I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. It was the pure idea of being on stage. That was the only thing that interested me, along with learning the craft and working, and just being in productions with people.
Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.
They’re talking about partial nuclear disarmament, which is also like talking about partial circumcision- you either go all the way or forget it.
Comedy is acting out optimism.
Carpe per diem – seize the check.
Ballet: Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.
We have a president for whom English is a second language. He’s like ‘We have to get rid of dictators,’ but he’s pretty much one himself.
God gave us a penis and a brain, but not enough blood to use both at once.
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