Wow, that is hard to watch. Hi, this is Ted Cruz, just calling to remind you to vote for a man who insulted my wife and said my dad helped kill JFK. Anyway, life has no meaning. Thank you. I want to die.
Payday loans are like the Lay’s Potato Chips of finance. You can’t have just one and they’re terrible for you.
[on the NSA spying scandal] Mr. President, no one is saying you broke any laws, we’re just saying it’s a little bit weird you didn’t have to.
Trump is like a magic eight-ball; every time you shake him he gives you a different answer, and sometimes the answer is just ‘big-league’ or ‘that’s some body on my daughter, right?’
It is a little insulting that you’re trying to appeal to adult women voters the same way that Mattel attempts to appeal to eight year olds. And at least Barbie’s pink bus had the good sense to unfold into a sweet hot tub and party den combo. … The only way it could be even more patronizing is if its wheels were giant NuvaRings and they refused to let women drive it.
Florida, just because you’re shaped like some combination of a gun and a d*ck doesn’t mean you have to act that way.
As we’ve seen, Trump is a masterful denier of both reality and responsibility. He’s a man who would kick you in the nuts and then tell you that your penis did it.
British politics, when done well, can be very fun. John Oliver
Last year in L.A. county 150 out of 151 incumbents ran unopposed. And come on. They could at least go through the motions of pretending there was another candidate. Just throw a robe on a pelican and tape a gavel to his wing. Or – I’ll tell you what – you’re in L.A. Just pretend you’re considering Blake Lively for the job. Movie studios do that all the time.
While some are arguing that Trump might not have meant all those things, that leaves us with two devastating options: either we just elected a President who didn’t mean a single word he said, or we elected one who did.
Welcome to The Daily Show, I’m John Oliver. Jon Stewart is still not here. He is currently living out a live-action Lord of the Rings role-playing experience deep in the New Zealand wilderness.
Prison sentences are a lot like penises – if they’re used correctly, even a short one can do the trick… is a rumor I have heard.
It’s the 2016 election, and it’s 2015 right now. So I don’t care until we’re in the same year as the thing that I’m supposed to care about.
Drug companies are a bit like high school boyfriends. They’re much more concerned with getting inside you than being effective once they’re in there.
[on the NSA surveillance program] Mr. President, when Michele Bachmann is in your side you may want to look at the side you are on. She is the canary in the crazy mine. I myself wear a bracelet that says: ‘What wouldn’t Michele Bachmann do?’
So, uh, get ready for a barely changed version of Obamacare called Trumpcare, which sounds like a health care plan where doctors feel your breasts for lumps whether you ask them to or not.
At this point, we aren’t just flirting with disaster; we’re rounding third base and asking if disaster has any condoms.
The death penalty is like the McRib. When you can’t have it, it seems so tantalizing. But when they bring it back, you think, ‘Wow, this is ethically wrong’.
Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language’s most offensive C-word.
Think of our government as a body. The IRS is the anus. It’s nobody’s favorite part, but you need that thing working properly or everything goes to shit real quick.
You don’t need people’s opinion on a fact. You might as well have a poll asking: Which number is bigger, 15 or 5?’ or Do owls exist?’ or Are there hats?’
« Previous Page — Next Page »
