John Oliver

Wow. Losing 95 percent of your audience in just five years. That basically makes Obama the NBC of presidents.

British politics, when done well, can be very fun. John Oliver

Think of our government as a body. The IRS is the anus. It’s nobody’s favorite part, but you need that thing working properly or everything goes to shit real quick.

When David Beckham got a tattoo of Jesus, the response from most soccer fans was, ‘That’s huge for Jesus. That’s a big deal for him’.

Democracy is like a tambourine – not everyone can be trusted with it.’

[on Trump lying] They are self-serving half-truths from a self-serving half-man who has somehow convinced half the country that sacrifice is the same thing as success.

My mission is to let all women know you don’t have to be like Paris Hilton and shoot a sex tape and three weeks later you have a reality show. You don’t (have) to be like Kim and shoot a sex tape and do Playboy and become this so-called superstar from having a sex tape. Just focus on your talent, the positive things of life that you do!

Even people that know Johnny Cash’s music really well and know that he was married don’t really know that much about June Carter. So finding out about her really helped to inform my performance and to bring her to the front in a way that she has never been before.

I like the red carpet. It’s like acting because it’s like a fairytale.

For some reason, I like seeing people feel emotional.

The girly movie I secretly love is Pippy Longstockings.

My advice to kids is give it your all! Give it 110% and don’t give up!

My father’s name is Vernon, and my mother liked the initials double V, so she named my sisters Victoria and Valerie. That’s cool- except when the dogs start getting V names.

I always used to develop a cold going into the studio.

Cocaine is God’s way of telling you you are making too much money.

I’ve got this brilliant thing where I go, “I’m Robbie Williams”, and people are interested in what I want to say – which is amazing because I’m just an idiot from Stoke-on-Trent.

A friend of mine had this great theory about the “Teletubbies”, that it’s preparing us for being mindless. And getting us ready for living in an underground world. When they build the underground world because we can no longer breathe the air that it will look like Teletubbie land.

I am constantly amazed by Tina Fey. And I am Tina Fey.

Spring is nature’s way of saying, “Let’s party!”

I’m competitive with anyone who writes a good song – I don’t care if it’s a band or solo artist or whoever.

The music beckons to those who are listening.