John Oliver

Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language’s most offensive C-word.

Oh but I’m serious this time. Take your American history books, burn them in the streets, they’re worthless after Tuesday. Why? The senate is up for grabs. I repeat – the f**king senate is up for grabs!

Mothers – we owe everything to them. They gave birth to us, they nurtured us, they made us who we are. And this Mother’s Day, we have just one thing to say to all the mothers out there: Get the fuck back to work.

You don’t need people’s opinion on a fact. You might as well have a poll asking: ‘Which number is bigger, 15 or 5?’ or ‘Do owls exist?’ or ‘Are there hats?’

Optimism is nice if you can swing it. But you’ve got to be careful, because it can feed into the normalization of Donald Trump. And he is not normal. He’s abnormal. He’s a human What is wrong with this picture?

[on Trump] He’s like the guy drowning but waving off a lifeboat saying, ‘Get out of here, I’m very buoyant. I’m the most buoyant. Everybody talks about my buoyancy. I’m a tremendous floater.’

I think the world has too many actresses.

Life isn’t just about you: It’s about family and friends and giving back.

I love the intellectual type. They know everything and suspect nothing.

I’m a restless guy who’s happy to be restless. I find that I’m always inquiring and I’m always in the middle of new situations. It’s just life experience, I guess. But I’ve been around quite a while.

When I was going to school in, like, ’84 to ’88, you didn’t have cell phones. There was no e-mail, if you can wrap your brain around that.

The same kind of boys always like me. The ones that easily get their feelings hurt. Ugh! Then they try to get my attention by doing something dumb but I’m too busy to notice

I don’t weigh myself. I just go by if my clothes fit. I try not to participate too much in the incredible amount of wasted energy that women have around dealing with food. I just feel like being healthy is sort of a job requirement to be on TV, and being a writer is so much coping with fatigue and stress, and you just eat. You eat to stay awake.

We were too rough at the edges to be a pop group.

I think a poet is anybody who wouldn’t call himself a poet.

That’s exactly what Dale Sr. was going to do. It was, ‘When I quit, I’ve got somewhere to go. I’ve spent my money, made my name. This is where I want to be.’ Junior is in the same suit.

Being jealous of a beautiful woman is not going to make you more beautiful.

When Yale reached out, I thought it was a hoax, but they really followed through.

If you retain nothing else, always remember the most important rule of beauty, which is: who cares?

[on Darren Aronofsky] I guess the first impression was that I’d been a big admirer of his work, and then I met someone who you’d never have put with that work. There was something very refreshing about that. I thought I was going to meet someone who was very intense and weird.

I don’t speak particularly well. That’s one of the consequences of being extremely ugly.