John Oliver

But it’s been 114 years. It’s like for over a century, America’s computer’s been saying, An update to your country is available and we’ve been clicking Remind me later again and again and again.

An iPhone would be a more coherent president of the United States.

Student debt is like HPV – if you go to college, you are most likely to get it, and it will follow you for the rest of your life.

It hits you in small ways and large, doesn’t it? For instance, had you considered the fact that portraits of Trump are going to be hanging in our airports? Uh… or that the man who disparaged a Gold Star family will now be expected to comfort the families of fallen soldiers? And maybe you’ve tried to make yourself feel better, fantasizing that he might Google how much does the president get paid?, get depressed, and then resign. But that is when you remember Mike fucking Pence, who might be even worse, because he looks like he’s from the 1950s, but he thinks like he’s from the 1650s. Oh, what’s that, you say? Her pregnancy was terminated before birth? Well, clearly she’s a witch. Hold a funeral for the fetus and throw the mother in a lake.

Payday loans are like the Lay’s Potato Chips of finance. You can’t have just one and they’re terrible for you.

Optimism is nice if you can swing it. But you’ve got to be careful, because it can feed into the normalization of Donald Trump. And he is not normal. He’s abnormal. He’s a human What is wrong with this picture?

Well, once we finish something, I can’t really listen to it because all I hear are problems.

No wedding bells for me anymore. I’ve been happily married to my profession for years.

In L.A., unless you’ve just won an Oscar or you’re Mr. Studio Head, no one talks to you. Even at parties.

I don’t remember anyone’s name. How do you think the ‘dahling’ thing got started?

[on Brad Pitt] I don’t know… I guess…. he’s a nice person and a GOOD kisser!

As a child I was the best tree climber in our neighbourhood, I was like a little monkey. I’ve never been afraid of hurting myself or a little physical discomfort.

I never use that word, retire.

Politics: ‘Poli’a Latin word meaning ‘many’; and “tics” meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.

I’m very proud of my skin and my face, and I have no problem not wearing makeup. I don’t wear makeup because I feel like I need to cover myself up or because I don’t feel confident. I wear makeup because it’s fun; it’s like painting on my face.

[On his belief in soul mates] I hope there is such a thing. I guess it would be quite scary to find a soul mate when you’re young because you’re probably going to mess it up.

My dream job is being a pianist.

I don’t care how small the game. I want to win.

Obviously, as an adult I realize this girl-on-girl sabotage is the third worst kind of female behavior, right behind saying “like” all the time and leaving your baby in a dumpster.

I’ll be a nun, raise my daughter, and make albums.

I’m very wary of talking about statements. I’m a storyteller, I’m an actor, an entertainer.