Mark Twain

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

Let us endeavor to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

Never pick a fight with people who buy ink by the barrel.

A crank is someone with a new idea – until it catches on.

I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.

We must annex those people. We can afflict them with our wise and beneficent government. We can introduce the novelty of thieves, all the way up from street-car pickpockets to municipal robbers and Government defaulters, and show them how amusing it is to arrest them and try them and then turn them loose – some for cash and some for political influence. We can make them ashamed of their simple and primitive justice. We can make that little bunch of sleepy islands the hottest corner on earth, and array it in the moral splendor of our high and holy civilization. Annexation is what the poor islanders need. Shall we to men benighted, the lamp of life deny?

There is no script. Live your life. Soak it all in.

Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.

When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.

Greatest thing in life is experience. Even mistakes have value.

[On leaving Brooklyn] I left the day I graduated high school.

I feel like I got a pile of cattle chasing my ass, and I’m pedaling as hard as I can to stay in front of ‘em. I’m looking behind me driving like hell.

Now payback is a bad bitch and baby, I’m the baddest.

You gotta do what you love and really believe in it because that is your truth.

I don’t believe in killing whatever the reason!

Smugglin’ that by me? That’s like tryin’ to smuggle sunrise past a rooster.

Try to imagine what it will be like to go to sleep and never wake up… now try to imagine what it was like to wake up having never gone to sleep.

Do you realize if it weren’t for Edison we’d be watching TV by candlelight?

You only live but once, and when your died your done, so let the good times roll.

What we think, or what we know, or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do.

I don’t like to read books. They muss up my mind.