Mark Twain

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

I smoke in moderation, only one cigar at a time.

Any so-called material thing that you want is merely a symbol: you want it not for itself, but because it will content your spirit for the moment.

When you cannot get a compliment in any other way pay yourself one.

Civilization is a limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.

We Americans… bear the ark of liberties of the world.

I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.

Every one of us have things that we believe about ourselves when nobody else is looking, nobody else is listening, nobody else is monitoring what we’re doing. We believe things about ourselves.

We may appear to be mean, but we’re really only frightened.

I have my faults, but changing my tune is not one of them.

Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.

Why would I want a place of my own? Then I would have to things worry about, like doing laundry and having food in the fridge.

The only thing you can give a man without hurting him is an opportunity.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.

Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.

Do not look where you fell, but where you slipped.

The more you know, the more you realise how much you don’t know — the less you know, the more you think you know.

I don’t substitute anybody else’s judgment for my own.

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Feelings are often born from the matrix of conditions beyond your control. Let them just pass through, like a cloud in the sky.

That you may retain your self-respect, it is better to displease the people by doing what you know is right, than to temporarily please them by doing what you know is wrong.