Mark Twain

I cannot see how a man of any large degree of humorous perception can ever be religious – except he purposely shut the eyes of his mind and keep them shut by force.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

Never do wrong when people are looking.

A mighty porterhouse steak an inch and a half thick, hot and sputtering from the griddle; dusted with fragrant pepper; enriched with little melting bits of butter of the most impeachable freshness and genuineness; the precious juices of the meat trickling out and joining the gravy, archipelagoed with mushrooms; a township or two of tender, yellowish fat gracing an out-lying district of this ample county of beefsteak; the long white bone which divides the sirloin from the tenderloin still in its place.

The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession.

We are taught by great actions that the universe is the property of every individual in it.

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

At 70 years old, if I could give my younger self one piece of advice, It would be to use the phrase ‘f**k off’ much more frequently.

Seize the day, put no trust in tomorrow. [Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero.Lat.]

Life is a progress from want to want, not from enjoyment to enjoyment.

Tear thyself from delay.

Often a certain abdication of prudence and foresight is an element of success.

It is all right to rat, but you can’t re-rat.

I have found it to be the most serious objection to coarse labors long continued, that they compelled me to eat and drink coarsely also.

The envious man grows lean at the success of his neighbor.

One little bird not larger than a sparrow, it may have been a Phalarope, would alight on the turbulent surface where the breakers were five or six feet high, and float buoyantly there like a duck, cunningly taking to its wings and lifting itself a few feet through the air over the foaming crest of each breaker, but sometimes outriding safely a considerable billow which hid it some seconds, when its instinct told it that it would not break. It was a little creature thus to sport with the ocean, but it was as perfect a success in its way as the breakers in theirs.

The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves.

The great majority of men are bundles of beginnings.

When the romance is gone, if it’s always you left searching for it, maybe it’s time to stop looking, and start searching for someone new, and start a new romantic journey.

Find enough clever things to say, and you’re a Prime Minister; write them down and you’re a Shakespeare.