Mark Twain

There are no grades of vanity, there are only grades of ability in concealing it.

I said there was nothing so convincing to an Indian as a general massacre. If he could not approve of the massacre, I said the next surest thing for an Indian was soap and education. Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run; because a half-massacred Indian may recover, but if you educate him and wash him, it is bound to finish him some time or other.

It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.

It is sound judgment to put on a bold face and play your hand for a hundred times what it is worth; forty-nine times out of fifty nobody dares to call it, and you roll in the chips.

There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.

There are people who strictly deprive themselves of each and every eatable, drinkable, and smokable which has in any way acquired a shady reputation. They pay this price for health. And health is all they get for it. How strange it is. It is like paying out your whole fortune for a cow that has gone dry.

It is much easier to show compassion to animals. They are never wicked.

The more I know about people, the more I like dogs. I simply like animals.

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

By what right has the dog come to be regarded as a noble animal? The more brutal and cruel and unjust you are to him the more your fawning and adoring slave he becomes; whereas, if you shamefully misuse a cat once she will always maintain a dignified reserve toward you afterward-you will never get her full confidence again.

Don’t tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don’t tell them where they know the fish.

One dog barks at something. And a hundred dogs bark at the sound.

The more I learn about people, the better I like my dog.

Just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending, he turned into a butterfly.

Are cats lazy? Well, more power to them if they are. Which one of us has not entertained the dream of doing just as he likes, when and how he likes, and as much as he likes?

Dogs’ lives are too short. Their only fault, really.

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can not get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

I’d like to devote about three years to the elimination of the cow. There’s not reason in the world why the chemist can’t discover the cow’s secret of converting vegetation into dairy products. And there’s less reason why the chemist can’t do a better job of it after he learns how.

Cat: a pygmy lion who loves mice, hates dogs, and patronizes human beings.

All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others.

Don’t ever wrestle with a pig. You’ll both get dirty, but the pig will enjoy it.