Mark Twain

When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.

The trouble ain’t that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain’t distributed right.

Pity is for living, envy is for dead.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Civilization is a limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.

Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today.

He who distinguishes the true savor of his food can never be a glutton; he who does not cannot be otherwise.

It is better to be frightened now than killed hereafter

If you can’t fly, then run, if you can’t walk run, then walk, if you can’t walk, then crawl, but by all means keep moving.

The wonder is always new that any sane man can be a sailor.

Rest in reason; move in passion.

It is your business when the wall next door catches fire.

Speech of yourself ought to be seldom and well chosen.

It is one of the beautiful compensations in this life that no one can sincerely try to help another without helping himself.

However mean your life is, meet it and live it; do not shun it and call it hard names. It is not so bad as you are. It looks poorest when you are the richest.

Don’t call a woman a bitch. Call her an ass-hole. It still gets your point across and it’s not sexist.

Fidelity has enfranchised slaves, and adopted servants to be sons.

Whoso would be a man must be a nonconformist.

A squirrel dying in front of your house may be more relevant to your interests right now than people dying in Africa.

He who is taught to live upon little owes more to his father’s wisdom than he who has a great deal left him does to his father’s care.

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.