Mark Twain

Whiskey is for drinking; water is for fighting over.

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. The conviction of the rich that the poor are happier is no more foolish than the conviction of the poor that the rich are.

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all.

There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.

You believe in a book that has talking animals, wizards, witches, demons, sticks turning into snakes, burning bushes, food falling from the sky, people walking on water, and all sorts of magical, absurd and primitive stories, and you say that we are the ones that need help?

People at Facebook are fairly used to the press being nice to us or not nice to us.

We got killed in Newsweek.

I don’t care what is written about me so long as it isn’t true.

One of the more radical and interesting possible ways to limit the power of unaccountable media barons is to give journalists the power to elect editors and have seats on boards for workers and consumers when a title or programme gets particularly large and influential.

I would rather have been beaten up in the media than live a life that wasn’t happy.

Matt Drudge is a great gentleman, who really – he’s got an ability to capture stories that people want to see

[on Megyn Kelly] You could see there was bloody coming out of her eyes. Blood coming out of her wherever.

The most important service rendered by the press and the magazines is that of educating people to approach printed matter with distrust.

If you are a little different, or a little outrageous, or if you do things that are bold or controversial, the press is going to write about you.

Arianna Huffington is unattractive both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man – he made a good decision.

Contrary to what a lot of people think, I don’t enjoy doing press. I’ve been asked the same questions a million times now, and I don’t particularly like talking about my personal life.

I can understand the British media and why they are doing that. It does not add up to much. I’m used in my life to not paying much attention to some things.

One thing I’ve learned about the press is that they’re always hungry for a good story, and the more sensational the better. It’s in the nature of the job, and I understand that. The point is that if you are a little different, or a little outrageous.

My people keep telling me I shouldn’t write letters like this to critics. The way I see it, critics get to say what they want to about my work, so why shouldn’t I be able to say what I want to about theirs?

I think the 24-hour news cycle has helped exaggerate the differences between the parties. You can always find someone on TV somewhere carping about something. That didn’t happen 20 years ago.