Tina Fey

Gay people don’t actually try to convert people. That’s Jehovah’s Witnesses you’re thinking of.

It was reported that Guy Ritchie has cast his wife Madonna in a small walk-on role in his new movie, Revolver. Madonna will play the part of the woman who ruins the film.

In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I’m sorry, did I say ‘scientists’? I meant ‘Irish people.’

In most cases being a good boss means hiring talented people and then getting out of their way.

Someone once said that to make a regular person laugh, you need to dress a guy up like an old lady and push him down the stairs. To make a comedy writer laugh, you have to push a real old lady down the stairs. I don’t know who that’s attributed to. I think it’s Aristophanes. Or Catherine the Great.

Twitter seems like a busman’s holiday: just more writing. I have no plans to do it. I’ll just stick with my 24/7 webcam. I’m old-fashioned that way.

I like to write about women, not so much about the way they relate to men, but about the way they relate to each other.

It will never be perfect, but perfect is overrated. Perfect is boring on live tv.

Every race is a chapter. Those are two important races. Who knows what Sunday will bring?

Someone stole my shoelaces once from my shoes. I still wear them and never put laces in them – they’re like my trademark shoes now!

Some of the best times in my life happened under the influence of drugs… I’d still be doing it if I could make good judgement calls. I’d still be doing it if I didn’t blow up to the size of an aircraft hangar, because it was a great time.

[In 1994] I wouldn’t offer $5 million to stop a book about me! It’s absurd. People will do anything for attention.

Shaving your head is so empowering. You don’t need hair to be beautiful. You are beautiful with or without. I learnt that too.

I’m a flamboyant type of guy, a cooler version of Liberace.

In the morning, I can not be without looking at my phone to see the IM’s or any missed calls that I missed and Food!

I was rapping as a hobby. It was something I did for my friends and just played around on ideas and stuff like that.

You can never say you’re big – I don’t think you can ever take anything like that for granted.

I realized that sometimes I move so fast I don’t even see where I’ve been with any great perspective. I look into the now and slightly into the future, but rarely into the past. Searching and querying and mining the great terrain of life and relationships is where I’m at right now.

I hear the sound of time roaring past me, …And there is no time to lose.

When it comes down to it, I just like taking my pants down.

The most romantic thing, a lovely boy bought me a dress once. He got my measurements, actually they were from “The Notebook” and I had them sitting somewhere, and he found them and bought me this dress, tailor-made, this beautiful little black cocktail dress. And I thought that was very, very classy.