Tina Fey

If you retain nothing else, always remember the most important rule of beauty, which is: who cares?

We need to stop talking about whether women are funny. And we need to acknowledge that black people are funnier than white people. Let’s discuss that.

The show doesn’t go on because it’s ready; it goes on because it’s 11:30.

I want to spend time with Oprah, and I don’t know what I need to do to make that happen.

Ladies gotta say no to their husbands at the movies. They gotta say: ‘No, we are watching back-to-back cancer movies. And then this movie about a cat.’

Twitter seems like a busman’s holiday: just more writing. I have no plans to do it. I’ll just stick with my 24/7 webcam. I’m old-fashioned that way.

There is nothing wrong with a woman welcoming all men’s advances as long as they are in cash.

Cocaine is God’s way of telling you you are making too much money.

At some point, I would like to write a book and other things, but I work best when there is some sort of deadline in my own mind, but not when fifty people or fifty million people are breathing down the back of my neck.

When you are followed constantly by fanatic fans,you try to eliminate the times you come up against them.That’s why I hide myself sometimes.

So when I come across as being everybody’s mate and nice and humble, I’m only nice and humble to a certain degree; the other side of me is arrogantly determined to do what the f**k I want.

I have two daughters, and we live here in Manhattan, and having gone through the Manhattan kindergarten application process, nothing will ever rival the stress of that.

When it’s your chance to step up to the plate, just hit it out of the park, and everybody will forget about everything that came before.

Do the NBC bigheads really pay attention to these message boards? Um, I don’t know if they read the message boards. I hope so, because I write fifty to a thousand fake posts a week, mostly, uh, saying that I’m really good and that no else is as good as me. So, I hope they listen to that because I’m trying to get a raise.

Whatever the problem, be part of the solution. Don’t just sit around raising questions and pointing out obstacles.

I’ve always learned how to deal with my problems through my words, through my education, and through my intelligence, which I think is important and the best way to deal with an issue.

The craziest thing I’ve ever done to get a guy’s attention? I admit I stalked someone. I showed up at a restaurant where I knew the guy worked, and we were actually good friends and had lost touch, and I pretended that I didn’t know he worked there. And then ran into him and, “Oh my God, you work here? I had no idea.” It’s the most manipulative thing I’ve done in my entire life, but it all worked out very well, so I have no regrets.

I never use that word, retire.

I don’t even listen to music when I’m off tour.

Part of being a sex symbol is very flattering and it does help you get success in the business – but only to a point. You’re stuck with that moniker forever, and it does cloud people’s imagination. They just can’t see you being able to do anything else.

One failed attempt at a shoe bomb and we all take off our shoes at the airport. Thirty-one school shootings since Columbine and no change in our regulation of guns.