Mark Twain

Never put off until tomorrow, what you can put off until the day after tomorrow.

People are much more willing to lend you books than bookcases.

Prophesy is a good line of business, but it is full of risks.

If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.

The educated Southerner has no use for an ‘R’, except at the beginning of a word.

What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.

My meaning simply is, that whatever I have tried to do in life, I have tried with all my heart to do well; that whatever I have devoted myself to, I have devoted myself to completely; that in great aims and in small, I have always been thoroughly in earnest.

Your feelings? To hell with your feelings!

I accept chaos, I’m not sure whether it accepts me.

Listen to the birds and don’t hate nobody.

Pardon me if I haunt you tonight.

They (wives) are people who think when the telephone bell rings, it is against the law not to answer it

I believe that every right implies a responsibility; every opportunity, an obligation; every possesion, a duty.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; In practice, there is.

Not everything I write will be a masterpiece; I know that. It is a process selecting words to convey feelings never meant to be spoken. So maybe I’ve been searching for what’s already been said and this is the finest way I can say it. I love you, in everything I am, I love you.

Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

I have dined with kings, I’ve been offered wings. And I’ve never been too impressed.

There is no truth. There is only perception.

I attribute whatever I may have been able to accomplish in life far more to my wife than to anything else and to everything else put together. But I cannot flatter myself that I found her because I was a ‘good picker’, I believe profoundly that we are guided, led, in such momentous matters.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

I’d never met a woman I considered as intelligent as me. That sounds bigheaded, but every woman I met was either a dolly-chick, or a sort of screwed-up intellectual chick. And of course, in the field I was in, I didn’t meet many intellectual people anyway. I always had this dream of meeting an artist, an artist girl who would be like me. And I thought it was a myth, but then I met Yoko and that was it.