Mark Twain

Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation.

Of all the various kinds of sexual intercourse, this has the least to recommend it. As an amusement, it is too fleeting; as an occupation, it is too wearing; as a public exhibition, there is no money in it. It is unsuited to the drawing room, and in the most cultured society it has long been banished from the social board. It has at last, in our day of progress and improvement, been degraded to brotherhood with flatulence. Among the best bred, these two arts are now indulged only in private– though by consent of the whole company, when only males are present, it is still permissible, in good society, to remove the embargo on the fundamental sigh.

Loyalty to country ALWAYS. Loyalty to government, when it deserves it.

He is now rising from affluence to poverty.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

A man’s house burns down. The smoking wreckage represents only a ruined home that was dear through years of use and pleasant associations. By and by, as the days and weeks go on, first he misses this, then that, then the other thing. And when he casts about for it he finds that it was in that house. Always it is an essential – there was but one of its kind. It cannot be replaced. It was in that house. It is irrevocably lost. It will be years before the tale of lost essentials is complete, and not till then can he truly know the magnitude of his disaster.

I would advise you Sir, to study algebra, if you are not already an adept in it: your head would be less muddy, and you will leave off tormenting your neighbors about paper and packthread, while we all live together in a world that is bursting with sin and sorrow.

Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies.

Why should we be cowed by the name of Action?

The cost of a thing is the amount of what I will call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run.

It is a profitable Wisdom to know when we have done enough: Much time and Pains are spared, in not flattering our selves against Probabilities.

Nothing astonishes people so much as common sense and plain dealing.

People with great gifts are easy to find, but symmetrical and balanced ones never.

The pains you feel are messengers. Listen to them.

The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too.

America is another name for opportunity.

At 70 years old, if I could give my younger self one piece of advice, It would be to use the phrase ‘f**k off’ much more frequently.

Property is organized robbery.

Upon awakening, let the words Thank You flow from your lips, for this will remind you to begin your day with gratitude and compassion.

My emancipation don’t fit your equation.