Mark Twain

I think a compliment ought to always precede a complaint, where one is possible, because it softens resentment and insures for the complaint a courteous and gentle reception.

Humanity has unquestionably one really effective weapon

In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.

If it’s your job to eat a frog, it’s best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it’s your job to eat two frogs, it’s best to eat the biggest one first.

There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by ridicule, howsoever poor and witless. Observe the ass, for instance: his character is about perfect, he is the choicest spirit among all the humbler animals, yet see what ridicule has brought him to. Instead of feeling complimented when we are called an ass, we are left in doubt.

It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.

If you treat your wife like a thoroughbred, you’ll never end up with a nag.

When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.

In marriage do thou be wise: prefer the person before money, virtue before beauty, the mind before the body; then thou hast a wife, a friend, a companion, a second self.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

There is nothing so much seduces reason from vigilance as the thought of passing life with an amiable woman in marriage.

Call no man unhappy until he is married.

The greatest day of my life was the day I married Mrs. Ford.

I should like to know what is the proper function of women, if it is not to make reasons for husbands to stay at home, and still stronger reasons for bachelors to go out.

Husbands and wives, first be faithful to each other. Second, keep the romance going all of your life by courting each other every day.

There’s no doubt I’m a better man having spent time with Michelle. I would never say that Michelle’s a better woman, but I will say she’s a little more patient.

I am a black American male from Chicago, who had my rehearsal dinner at Versailles and then got married in Florence with a view of the entire city.

He didn’t dare to, because his father had a weak heart and habitually threatened to drop dead if anybody hurt his feelings. You may have noticed that people with weak hearts are the tyrants of English married life.

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.

It has to be a true partnership, and you have to really really like and respect the person you’re married to because it is a hard road.