Mark Twain

I said there was nothing so convincing to an Indian as a general massacre. If he could not approve of the massacre, I said the next surest thing for an Indian was soap and education. Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run; because a half-massacred Indian may recover, but if you educate him and wash him, it is bound to finish him some time or other.

The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. The conviction of the rich that the poor are happier is no more foolish than the conviction of the poor that the rich are.

Happiness ain’t a thing in itself -it’s only a contrast with something that ain’t pleasant. And so, as soon as the novelty is over and the force of the contrast dulled, it ain’t happiness any longer, and you have to get something fresh.

It’s no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.

They that Marry for Money cannot have the true Satisfaction of Marriage; the requisite Means being wanting.

In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved.

It is a woman’s business to get married as soon as possible, and a man’s to keep unmarried as long as he can.

It is not from reason and prudence that people marry, but from inclination.

Michelle’s like Beyoncé in that song ‘Let me upgrade ya!’ She upgraded me.

If you were going to list the 100 most popular things that I have done as president. Being married to Michelle Obama is number one.

My last divorce was in ’68. What made it come to a head was a promise. See, I had promised her that the next year I wouldn’t work as much. But then I got in trouble with the IRS, and I had to continue working just as much to pay the government. So she said I lied, which is something I never did.

In marriage do thou be wise: prefer the person before money, virtue before beauty, the mind before the body; then thou hast a wife, a friend, a companion, a second self.

It was a very meaningful ceremony and marriage means a lot to me.

[on Michelle] Like a lot of political spouses, the role was thrust upon her. But I always knew she’d be incredible at it, and put her own unique stamp on the job. That’s because who you see is who she is-the brilliant, funny, generous woman who, for whatever reason, agreed to marry me. I think people gravitate to her because they see themselves in her-a dedicated mom, a good friend, and someone who’s not afraid to poke a little fun at herself from time to time.

When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.

There is nothing so much seduces reason from vigilance as the thought of passing life with an amiable woman in marriage.

Marriage is distinctly and repeatedly excluded from heaven. Is this because it is thought likely to mar the general felicity?

What Michelle has done is to remind me every day of the virtues of order.

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.