John Oliver

News is not a game show. You don’t win a car if you happen to be right.

That’s right, it was a boy. And finally, we have a member of the royal family with an actual excuse for being a toothless, petulant, useless human being…That one could get me into trouble back home.

At this point, we aren’t just flirting with disaster; we’re rounding third base and asking if disaster has any condoms.

Calling Jeremy Corbyn the ‘British Bernie Sanders’ would be very reductive, very simplistic and probably the best way to explain him to Americans, while being wildly inaccurate. As for Corbyn and Sanders, I think we’ll have to wait and see whether being principled actually gets you anywhere. I don’t think you can doubt the tenacity of their beliefs. But can you translate that into power?

Trump’s presidency is like one of his handshakes: it pulls you in whether you like it or not.

It hits you in small ways and large, doesn’t it? For instance, had you considered the fact that portraits of Trump are going to be hanging in our airports? Uh… or that the man who disparaged a Gold Star family will now be expected to comfort the families of fallen soldiers? And maybe you’ve tried to make yourself feel better, fantasizing that he might Google how much does the president get paid?, get depressed, and then resign. But that is when you remember Mike fucking Pence, who might be even worse, because he looks like he’s from the 1950s, but he thinks like he’s from the 1650s. Oh, what’s that, you say? Her pregnancy was terminated before birth? Well, clearly she’s a witch. Hold a funeral for the fetus and throw the mother in a lake.

Yeah, it’s tough being smart and sexy, too. I have to say, I’m really not that attractive. Until I met my husband, I could not get a date. I promise you it’s true. My husband Jeff Richmond saw a diamond in the rough and took me in.

I’m a flamboyant type of guy, a cooler version of Liberace.

Making a movie requires 20 to 500 people to make and a lot of money and the stakes are a lot higher.

A lot of times we talk about the politics of it, the unfairness of it, which is all true, but I think it’s clearer to people when you go, ‘Hey, that hurts my feelings.’

By the time you are in your 40s, what you want to wear and what you think is sexy is not always, like, for another person. It’s what makes you feel good.

I prayed to God for peace and love, I’m looking at you as a blessing. You told me life been looking up so take that past shit as a lesson.

Yes, Arnold Schwarzenegger did a really bad job as Governor of California and even worse on the Apprentice…but at least he tried hard!

Welcome to The Daily Show, I’m John Oliver. Jon Stewart is still not here. He is currently living out a live-action Lord of the Rings role-playing experience deep in the New Zealand wilderness.

I don’t know how you explain Piers Morgan back to Americans now. I don’t think he ever intended for America to be his home, and there’s a difference between criticising the place you have come to call home and the place you have come to live in for a bit. Ideally, on the Venn diagram between myself and Piers there would be no overlap whatsoever, on either a personal or professional level. If we could be two non-interlocking circles I’d be fine with that. Any comparison with him makes me want to challenge you to a duel.

I also went to art school and learned to play a piano there, but I play by ear.

I get more people approaching me about how good I was in ‘Napoleon Dynamite’ than being in Coldplay.

Sarah Palin has been hired back by Fox News, and she only left five months ago. She has now effectively quit quitting. She can’t even commit to being uncommitted.

Impossible to believe that dear Freddie has been gone for 10 years now. The immediate pain has obviously retreated but I can honestly say that not a day goes by when I do not think about him and miss his presence. He filled a very large part of my life – the life of the others in the band – but most especially the millions of people he never met! As I look back, I think the one thing that tends to be unsaid – aside from the obvious traits of fun, utrageousness, generosity of spirit, vocal ability etc – is the sheer brilliance of his musicianship. Leagues ahead baby. Fred – we love you – we miss you old friend!

I’m very proud of my skin and my face, and I have no problem not wearing makeup. I don’t wear makeup because I feel like I need to cover myself up or because I don’t feel confident. I wear makeup because it’s fun; it’s like painting on my face.

You can tell how smart people are by what they laugh at.