John Oliver

[reacting to George Zimmerman’s acquittal] I think it might honestly be time for the Sunshine State to officially change its motto to the Worst State.

Sarah Palin has been hired back by Fox News, and she only left five months ago. She has now effectively quit quitting. She can’t even commit to being uncommitted.

A hundred and thirteen is a lot of tests. It’s approaching the amount that you’d ask your doctor for the morning after you woke up from a one-night stand with Colin Farrell.

Trump is like a magic eight-ball; every time you shake him he gives you a different answer, and sometimes the answer is just ‘big-league’ or ‘that’s some body on my daughter, right?’

Welcome to The Daily Show, I’m John Oliver. Jon Stewart is still not here. He is currently living out a live-action Lord of the Rings role-playing experience deep in the New Zealand wilderness.

One failed attempt at a shoe bomb and we all take off our shoes at the airport. Thirty-one school shootings since Columbine and no change in our regulation of guns.

I’m a bit of a slag… Some people don’t think it’s very nice, but I don’t care… I’ve got hormones, and sex is there, so why not? Sex is good. Everybody does it, and everybody should!

I’ve got to the point now where I can poke some fun at my old image and really enjoy letting go when a juicy role comes along.

You don’t waste your entire life waiting to go back to dust.

I think people fetishize glasses in general. You could put glasses on a rotting pumpkin and people would think it was sexy.

I have standards I don’t plan on lowering for anybody, including myself.

My dream job is being a pianist.

No, I’ve never thought that I was gay. And that’s not something you think. It’s something you know.

I closed my eyes, held my breath and then everything went black.

Then I got a call the next day from the assistant director saying that they were putting me on a personal training programme. I thought that would be pretty cool, because it would make me take it seriously. It was run by one of the stunt team, who are the most absurdly fit guys inthe world. I can’t even do 10 press ups. I did about three weeks of that, and in the end I think he got so bored of trying to force me to do it that he wrote it all down so that I could do it at home.

You know, I was a school rebel. Whatever they said do, I didn’t do. I was totally anti-everything. I was a right bastard, a right hard nut. I just totally closed the doors to ever wanting to know what they had to teach me. Rock & roll was the only thing I wanted to get into.

It just was a gradual development over the years. I mean last year was ‘all you need is Love.’ This year, it’s ‘all you need is Love and peace, baby.’ Give peace a chance, and remember Love. The only hope for us is peace. Violence begets violence. You can have peace as soon as you like if we all pull together. You’re all geniuses, and you’re all beautiful. You don’t need anyone to tell you who you are. You are what you are. Get out there and get peace, think peace, and live peace and breathe peace, and you’ll get it as soon as you like.

I am very proud of the titles I have earned. However, the honorary title I have been given this year as chairman of the VA National Salute to Hospitalized Veterans program is one I accept with great humility and pride. I encourage all Americans to visit some true champions this Valentine’s week and find out how you can serve those who have served us so well.

I was sleeping on a couch in my brothers apartment, and one day this guy walked over and said ‘How would you like to be in a movie?’ And I said ‘Yeah!’ I was an extra in ‘Explosive Generation’.

I am extremely square and obedient in nature!

If you ever start to feel too good about yourself, they have this thing called the Internet, and you can find a lot of people there who don’t like you.