John Oliver

Wow, that is hard to watch. Hi, this is Ted Cruz, just calling to remind you to vote for a man who insulted my wife and said my dad helped kill JFK. Anyway, life has no meaning. Thank you. I want to die.

If we don’t get actively involved to at least mitigate Trump’s damage, things will not be OK. And yes, the sun will rise each day, but the continuing rotation of the earth should not be your baseline expectation of American society.

Congress is like jazz – it’s really about the bills it’s not passing. It’s also like jazz in that most people hate it and anyone who says they don’t are lying.

As we’ve seen, Trump is a masterful denier of both reality and responsibility. He’s a man who would kick you in the nuts and then tell you that your penis did it.

Donald J. Trump is America’s back mole. It may have seemed harmless a year ago, but now that it’s become frighteningly bigger, it’s no longer wise to ignore it.

Prison sentences are a lot like penises – if they’re used correctly, even a short one can do the trick… is a rumor I have heard.

Do your thing and don’t care if they don’t like it.

I couldn’t have asked for a better target than Trump

That is not a functional use of language. That is a drunk driver crashing a pickup truck full of alphabet soup.

What is really important for a woman, you know, even more than being beautiful or intelligent, is to be entertaining.

Maybe the best is yet to come, but I’ve already had the best.

Even with my wife, I see her as a representation, as a Marie Antoinette of our time.

I’m quite sarcastic, and I’m funny, but not kind of funny. It’s a weird funny, and some people don’t get me, and some people do.

You cannot allow other people’s opinions, comments, or decisions affect how you feel about yourself.

I look like an angel, but I can play the bitch.

I was quite intimidated by Ralph Fiennes. I didn’t really talk to him while I was doing Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and the only thing I did with him was when he stepped on my head. Then I went to this play and he was there. And this girl said, “you’ve worked with Ralph Fiennes haven’t you, Robert?” and I was like, “well, no…” and Ralph said, “yes, I stepped on your head.” And that was the extent of our conversation.

My mother always taught me, even my dad, just never let other people’s opinions of you shape your opinion of yourself. And I never have and I never will.

That had her lip-syncing to a record… There was no protection for her as a person or as an artist…

I want to spend time with Oprah, and I don’t know what I need to do to make that happen.

What cha saying boy, you think Im playing boy, watch ya mouth girl, its a mans world.

I’ve been watching what I eat. When I was putting on all the weight, I was drinking Guinness and not eating. I didn’t have room to because I was drinking all the time.