Henny Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.

He not busy being born is busy dying.

I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages.

Silence is so accurate.

All heiresses are beautiful.

I don’t follow what everybody else does.

People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character.

It takes years to find your voice and seize your real estate.

Every loss of life is terrible.

The pain of parting is nothing to the joy of meeting again.

Life on the road is murder. It’s as though life begins and ends with your horn in your mouth.

How many legs does a dog have, if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

When you once get an idea in which you believe with all your heart, work it out.

But to do for the world more than the world does for you, that is Success.

Whenever you get the idea that you are ‘fixed’ or that anything is ‘fixed’ for life, you’d better get ready for a sudden change.