Henny Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

If we could get all religions together on a common purpose-the elimination of jealousies and the things that make men covet another’s belongings, we would be a long way toward the goal of outmoding war, depression and poverty.

Children, Fear God; that is to say, have an holy awe upon your minds to avoid that which is evil, and a strict care to embrace and do that which is good.

A man who is good enough to go to heaven is not good enough to be a clergyman.

Christianity is the highest perfection of humanity.

If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.

One who conquers himself is greater than another who conquers a thousand times a thousand on the battlefield.

Our prayers should be for blessings in general, for God knows best what is good for us.

Before enlightnment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightnment, chop wood, carry water.

God almighty first planted a garden: and, indeed, it is the purest of human pleasure.

God is the same everywhere.

I lost my faith in God when I lost my daughter to Cancer, the beast. I begged, I cried, I offered my life for hers, and day by day, I watched that beautiful little Angel slip off. So, excuse me for not taking my seat next to you on Sunday in Church, I feel too cheated to worship.

I find it interesting that the meanest life, the poorest existence, is attributed to God’s will, but as human beings become more affluent, as their living standard and style begin to ascend the material scale, God descends the scale of responsibility at a commensurate speed.

I am not a saint, unless you think of a saint as a sinner who keeps on trying.

Faith: not wanting to know what is true.

Jesus tapped me on the shoulder and said, Bob, why are you resisting me? I said, I’m not resisting you! He said, You gonna follow me? I said, I’ve never thought about that before! He said, When you’re not following me, you’re resisting me.