Henny Youngman

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A man’s character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.

Well, as a kid I did not get Shakespeare. I just never understood it.

You’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

It is true that I am often startled and even angered and repulsed by the strange directions and provocative content of new forms that seem to pop up every few months.

Man minus the Machine is a slave; Man plus the Machine is a freeman.

Life is a full-contact sport, and there’s a score up on the board.

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

I have 100 percent Bronx pride like it’s a country like I AM the Bronx.

And you know, two heads are better than one.

The partnership of mind and matter is one which has existed since the beginning of time and cannot be dissolved.

And you know, there’s less charm in life when you think about death–but it’s more peaceful.

A person that started in to carry a cat home by the tail was getting knowledge that was always going to be useful to him, and warn’t ever going to grow dim or doubtful.

Stand up and walk out of your history.

Life experiences, mental illness, drugs, greed, environment, and poor role-modeling can all forge damaged people and can generate a darkness, an exploitiveness, in the way they approach life. Whatever their genesis, there are people in your life (and mine) who will hurt you if you let them.

Progress is a new season and the rule of progress is everything in its season.