Henny Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

Right now, it’s like this.

It is the final proof of God’s omnipotence that he need not exist in order to save us.

I’m the fifth generation of Seventh Day Adventists and the youngest of four brothers. When I was still very small, we formed a gospel quartet.

We all die unhealed

I believe that our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey.

Children, Fear God; that is to say, have an holy awe upon your minds to avoid that which is evil, and a strict care to embrace and do that which is good.

Zen mind is not Zen mind. Throwing away Zen mind is correct Zen mind.

Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace.

It’s not about approving or liking, but just being able to allow the world to be the way it is without resenting, hating, or judging it.

Christ and The Church: If he were to apply for a divorce on the grounds of cruelty, adultery and desertion, he would probably get one.

There is no path to happiness: Happiness is the path.

You get to consciously decide what has meaning and what doesn’t. You get to decide what to worship.

Religion was invented when the first con man met the first fool.

Meditation is the ultimate mobile device; you can use it anywhere, anytime, unobtrusively.

We’ve had the goddam Ages of Faith, we’ve had the goddam Age of Reason. This is the Age of Publicity.