Tina Fey

When choosing sexual partners, remember: talent is not sexually transmittable.

So, Alec Baldwin; great actor or greatest actor? I’m gonna say “greatest actor”; Greatest…living…American…actor…in…the Baldwin family…by a mile.

Gravity is nominated for best film. It’s the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age.

Whatever the problem, be part of the solution. Don’t just sit around raising questions and pointing out obstacles.

I have a suspicion that the definition of “crazy” in show business is a woman who keeps talking even after no one wants to f*** [sleep with her] anymore.

What turning forty means to me- I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.

I actually love the audition process, so I’m so happy to fight for things. I would love to read something that I want to fight for, but lately the scripts are not that compelling.

I prefer being as far from the centre of celebrity as possible.

I think it’s the way I talk. I think they thought I was too country. And I’m not ashamed of that by any means.

I was not popular in high school, I know every actress says that, but really, I was a big geek.

I went to do my first big movie when I was 17. I was in South Africa for three and half months, and I was by myself.

I feel about Photoshop the way some people feel about abortion. It is appalling and a tragic reflection on the moral decay of our society… unless I need it, in which case, everybody be cool.

I’m a bit of a slag… Some people don’t think it’s very nice, but I don’t care… I’ve got hormones, and sex is there, so why not? Sex is good. Everybody does it, and everybody should!

We’re still trying to break records on the twentieth anniversary of Live Aid. I’ve just heard Bob Geldof has put Phil Collins on a jet to Philadelphia. There’s nothing going on there, we just don’t want him around this year. No I’m joking, of course we didn’t put him on a jet. We stuck him in a catapult. To be fair, he didn’t get very far. Although it worked in rehearsals when we used it on Chris De Burgh. I could do a whole routine about injuring Phil f**king Collins.

I guess you can get to a level where you choose. I guess when you reach that point maybe you start making decisions about whether you want to be a leading man or woman. I’m not at that point at all. Where I am now, you’re very much at everybody else’s mercy. You have no control over your career in a lot of ways. It’s just important to know what your own goals are, because that’s empowering.

You can point any kind of laser at my face, but I don’t think Botox is for me. I think it is bad. People who have too much, they look like their faces are full of candles – a shiny, shiny face.

I’ve always wanted to be a stand-up comic on some levels as well and I know I can play and sing but when people see me and say, “I didn’t know you were so funny… You’re like a real entertainer,” that’s what I like more than all the other accolades.

Music means communication to me. I say ‘listen you people out there, listen to my music, let’s be one.’ Music is a friend to me when I am lonely, when I am blue. You can’t define music ’cause music is cosmos and it knows no barrier or definition. You have to feel music to dig it

I remember failing my Princeton interview. My mom wanted me to apply because ever since I was a kid she had this dream that I would apply to Princeton, but it was just not happening.

I decided I am not going to say things I do not mean anymore.

Please welcome the woman I have been assigned to mentor – Lindsay Lohan.