Tina Fey

The ladies of comedy now are comfortable dressing up. It’s not forbidden anymore.

President Bush gave a rousing speech to the United Nations General Assembly. Afterward, in a touching show of support, every foreign dignitary shook hands with the president and smiled warmly as he mispronounced their names.

How do you expect me to see your nasty-looking eye ball if you don’t look straight ahead?

I got a fan letter on the back of a prison menu. And I remember thinking, ‘Well, they get pie. It’s not so bad. They get pie on the weekends.’ I want to say blueberry and also a Boston cream pie. Not so bad.

This week, penny collector Gene Sukie went to the bank and cashed in 10,000 pounds of pennies he had collected over 34 years, which were worth over 14,000 dollars. And, of course, I was in line behind him.

Photoshop is just like makeup. When it’s done well it looks great, and when it’s overdone you look like a crazy asshole.

Once you get rid of the idea that you must please other people before you please yourself, and you begin to follow your own instincts – only then can you be successful. You become more satisfied, and when you are, other people will tend to be satisfied by what you do.

I’m not very experienced with boys or the whole dating thingy.

Anything that we think is incredible and beautiful and wonderful, we ascribe to something that we don’t know what it is.

Congress is like jazz – it’s really about the bills it’s not passing. It’s also like jazz in that most people hate it and anyone who says they don’t are lying.

I think too many people look at the arts with a religious outlook. Arts, music, singing and performing, it’s all make-believe.

Parisian men make love all day and have no time to work; American men work all day and have no time for love.

Cocaine is God’s way of saying that you’re making too much money.

We need to stop talking about whether women are funny. And we need to acknowledge that black people are funnier than white people. Let’s discuss that.

The Lion King always makes me cry, especially when Simba’s father gets trampled.

What’s that line from TS Eliot? To arrive at the place where you started, but to know it for the first time. I’m able to write about a breakup from a different place. Same brokenness. Same rock-bottom. But a little more informed, now I’m older. Thank God for growing up.

When humor works, it works because it’s clarifying what people already feel. It has to come from someplace real. You don’t just decide to destroy a person by making up stuff, and no one at SNL is writing to go after someone.

I’m really, really enjoying myself, I seem to have a lot of purpose in my life. I’m enjoying what I’m doing, you know, and people are liking it. So, it’s great, you know.

This is what I tell young women who ask me for career advice. People are going to try to trick you. To make you feel that you are in competition with one another. “You’re up for a promotion. If they go for a woman, it’ll be between you and Barbara.” Don’t be fooled. You’re not in competition with other women. You’re in competition with everyone.

Just keep taking chances and having fun.

Whenever I’m with you alone. You weave a magic spell and though it be a danger zone. I only know that you’re swell.