Mark Twain

To my mind Judas Iscariot was nothing but a low, mean, premature Congressman.

Lord save us all from a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.

There was never a century nor a country that was short of experts who knew the Deity’s mind and were willing to reveal it.

True irreverence is disrespect for another man’s god.

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

You must learn that you do not have to be angry just because you have the right to be.

The person who reads too much and uses his brain too little will fall into lazy habits of thinking.

I feel like I got a pile of cattle chasing my ass, and I’m pedaling as hard as I can to stay in front of ‘em. I’m looking behind me driving like hell.

The art of simplicity is a puzzle of complexity.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

A day wasted on others is not wasted on one’s self.

When you get to the top, don’t forget to send the elevator down for the next guy.

You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you.

For them that think death’s honesty won’t fall upon them naturally life sometimes must get lonely.

I never wanted this kind of life that I’m still living.

Some people prefer the passenger role, because it imposes no real pressure to decide or stand accountable for their life results.

The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.

Scriptures, n.: The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.

What’s in a name? That which we call a rose. By any other name would smell as sweet.