Mark Twain

Virtue has never been as respectable as money.

The easy confidence with which I know another man’s religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

If you eat a frog first thing in the morning, the rest of your day will be wonderful.

My books are water; those of the great geniuses is wine. Everybody drinks water.

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it – and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again – and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.

The rich hire lawyers and accountants for a reason – to pass the tax bill on to you.

I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?

It’s income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list.

Tax deductible, That’s what you are: Tax deductible. Just like my car, like a gift to local charity, you give my 1040 clarity.

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it’s just sort of a tired feeling.

The more government takes in taxes, the less incentive people have to work. What coal miner or assembly-line worker jumps at the offer of overtime when he knows Uncle Sam is going to take sixty percent or more of his extra pay? . . . Any system that penalizes success and accomplishment is wrong. Any system that discourages work, discourages productivity, discourages economic progress, is wrong. If, on the other hand, you reduce tax rates and allow people to spend or save more of what they earn, they’ll be more industrious; they’ll have more incentive to work hard, and money they earn will add fuel to the great economic machine that energizes our national progress. The result: more prosperity for all-and more revenue for government.

I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes!

Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today.

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love!

Read my lips: no new taxes.

If the Lord loveth a cheerful giver, how he must hate the taxpayer!

It’s tax time. I know this because I’m staring at documents that make no sense to me, no matter how many beers I drink.