Dave Barry

It’s income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list.

Read my lips: no new taxes.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin

If the Lord loveth a cheerful giver, how he must hate the taxpayer!

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it’s just sort of a tired feeling.

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love!

I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes!

It’s income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.

I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.

The rich hire lawyers and accountants for a reason – to pass the tax bill on to you.

Tax deductible, That’s what you are: Tax deductible. Just like my car, like a gift to local charity, you give my 1040 clarity.

The more government takes in taxes, the less incentive people have to work. What coal miner or assembly-line worker jumps at the offer of overtime when he knows Uncle Sam is going to take sixty percent or more of his extra pay? . . . Any system that penalizes success and accomplishment is wrong. Any system that discourages work, discourages productivity, discourages economic progress, is wrong. If, on the other hand, you reduce tax rates and allow people to spend or save more of what they earn, they’ll be more industrious; they’ll have more incentive to work hard, and money they earn will add fuel to the great economic machine that energizes our national progress. The result: more prosperity for all-and more revenue for government.

Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today.

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?