John Oliver

The crime rates among immigrants once [in the United States] are in relatively tiny digits, which is something Donald Trump should frankly understand given that he has ten of them attached to his miniscule wrists.

One failed attempt at a shoe bomb and we all take off our shoes at the airport. Thirty-one school shootings since Columbine and no change in our regulation of guns.

Welcome to The Daily Show, I’m John Oliver. Jon Stewart is still not here. He is currently living out a live-action Lord of the Rings role-playing experience deep in the New Zealand wilderness.

[on the NSA surveillance program] Mr. President, when Michele Bachmann is in your side you may want to look at the side you are on. She is the canary in the crazy mine. I myself wear a bracelet that says: ‘What wouldn’t Michele Bachmann do?’

We often read transcripts of Trump’s speeches, and it’s something that everyone should actually do once in a while. When you strip away his blindingly confident delivery and just read his words, it is staggering how incoherent he is.

[on Trump] Many people are happy to see him in office. Some are voters who think he’ll bring jobs back and shake up Washington; others are happy simply because he isn’t Hillary Clinton, and others of course are Vladimir Putin and Scott Baio. But, for the rest of us, we are faced with the same questions as a guy that woke up the day after a Vegas bachelor party, deep in the desert, naked, tied to a cactus and a dead clown, namely: How the f**k did we get here? and What the f**k do we do now?

[On her most dreadful crush] I used to drive, pretty pathetically, I’d just drive by their house all the time and they didn’t know who I was. I’d just drive by the house all the time. I once knocked on the window and I thought, “What am I doing? What am I going to say if they come to the door and don’t know who I am?”

The stuff I find attractive in women I always regret finding attractive. I always like a kind of madness in a woman… I like it when they hate me right from the beginning.

There are always going to be ridiculous rumors.

Although it’s painful at the time, most of the things that people have said about us negatively – some of them are true and you can work on them, and the ones that you don’t agree with, you don’t work on.

I can’t believe you recently had a baby. How do you do it? [pause] The baby starts to come down…and once that happens you can’t-it comes out. Whether you let it or not, the baby comes out. So that’s how I did it.

I got a fan letter on the back of a prison menu. And I remember thinking, ‘Well, they get pie. It’s not so bad. They get pie on the weekends.’ I want to say blueberry and also a Boston cream pie. Not so bad.

I can do anything I want to do really, I might as well.

This is what happens when you release a great body of work after they spent millions to ruin you.

Because sex is like boxing, if one of the parties didn’t agree to participate, the other one is committing a crime.

I closed my eyes, held my breath and then everything went black.

I also went to art school and learned to play a piano there, but I play by ear.

One failed attempt at a shoe bomb and we all take off our shoes at the airport. Thirty-one school shootings since Columbine and no change in our regulation of guns.

I moved out at 18. I always studied classes and trained a lot, you know. I think nowadays is such a different time because there’s so many channels promoting the celebrity aspect of things.

What I’m doing is making sure that I have a balance, and that allows me, I think, to be a better actor and to more easily and quickly access all of the emotions on the scale. I make sure that I read a book on the weekend or read something or do my knitting or do the things that I need to do for myself, like ‘Game of Thrones.’ Get that balance.

I’m from the ghetto side of Sydney. We don’t really do drive-bys, we just do drive-thrus.