John Oliver

It’s the 2016 election, and it’s 2015 right now. So I don’t care until we’re in the same year as the thing that I’m supposed to care about.

[on Trump] Many people are happy to see him in office. Some are voters who think he’ll bring jobs back and shake up Washington; others are happy simply because he isn’t Hillary Clinton, and others of course are Vladimir Putin and Scott Baio. But, for the rest of us, we are faced with the same questions as a guy that woke up the day after a Vegas bachelor party, deep in the desert, naked, tied to a cactus and a dead clown, namely: How the f**k did we get here? and What the f**k do we do now?

The death penalty is like the McRib. When you can’t have it, it seems so tantalizing. But when they bring it back, you think, ‘Wow, this is ethically wrong’.

It hits you in small ways and large, doesn’t it? For instance, had you considered the fact that portraits of Trump are going to be hanging in our airports? Uh… or that the man who disparaged a Gold Star family will now be expected to comfort the families of fallen soldiers? And maybe you’ve tried to make yourself feel better, fantasizing that he might Google how much does the president get paid?, get depressed, and then resign. But that is when you remember Mike fucking Pence, who might be even worse, because he looks like he’s from the 1950s, but he thinks like he’s from the 1650s. Oh, what’s that, you say? Her pregnancy was terminated before birth? Well, clearly she’s a witch. Hold a funeral for the fetus and throw the mother in a lake.

[on the NSA surveillance program] Mr. President, when Michele Bachmann is in your side you may want to look at the side you are on. She is the canary in the crazy mine. I myself wear a bracelet that says: ‘What wouldn’t Michele Bachmann do?’

Florida, just because you’re shaped like some combination of a gun and a d*ck doesn’t mean you have to act that way.

You don’t waste your entire life waiting to go back to dust.

We all know what it feels like to be an outcast or a loner or to fall between the cracks. To be the target of gossip or people talking about you, or girls are ganging up on you. One minute, they’re your best friend; the next, they call you on three-way.

I have good health and I am happy to be on the road all the time.

There’s not a lot of towns that I can go to and take family – too many incongruous knocks on doors – “Hello, honey. Have you missed me?”

I’m often mistaken for Spanish or Latin descent.

We had to do this scene looking like heroes diving into the lake. they had a stand-in doing perfect dives on the first take. Then Stan, Clemence, And I tried, but none of us could dive in right, and we all looked really stupid.

Even when I was at ‘SNL,’ I didn’t do impersonations. I always wanted to be the kind of person who could do them – I always thought they were the coolest thing on the show – but I didn’t have any experience.

I definitely felt like I needed a break, because when you do so much, you’re not able to appreciate the things that you accomplish.

There is no such thing as ugly. That’s a word that doesn’t really enter my vocabulary. If there’s any definition to being perfect, you’re perfect at being yourself.

I just want to make the best music of all time with my best friends.

I got a fan letter on the back of a prison menu. And I remember thinking, ‘Well, they get pie. It’s not so bad. They get pie on the weekends.’ I want to say blueberry and also a Boston cream pie. Not so bad.

I don’t think I’ve aged gracefully.

I see two or three cars that are really good, but they’re not dominant. There’s usually somebody who’s got one that’s a little bit better than everybody.

I think Pete did have a hard time as a kid with his appearance. But don’t all kids have a hard time? God, I had a hard time, too. I was little with bow legs and rickets. I used to get picked on like everybody used to get picked on.

My first real kiss came when I was 10, and it was in an acting class. I had to do a scene from a movie where someone gets kissed under a tree, and I did not want to do it! But my acting partner wanted me to feel comfortable, so he bought a picnic basket with all these snacks. He made such an effort- and it was cute.