John Oliver

The death penalty is like the McRib. When you can’t have it, it seems so tantalizing. But when they bring it back, you think, ‘Wow, this is ethically wrong’.

Donald J. Trump is America’s back mole. It may have seemed harmless a year ago, but now that it’s become frighteningly bigger, it’s no longer wise to ignore it.

When David Beckham got a tattoo of Jesus, the response from most soccer fans was, ‘That’s huge for Jesus. That’s a big deal for him’.

Florida, just because you’re shaped like some combination of a gun and a d*ck doesn’t mean you have to act that way.

Mothers – we owe everything to them. They gave birth to us, they nurtured us, they made us who we are. And this Mother’s Day, we have just one thing to say to all the mothers out there: Get the fuck back to work.

Calling Jeremy Corbyn the ‘British Bernie Sanders’ would be very reductive, very simplistic and probably the best way to explain him to Americans, while being wildly inaccurate. As for Corbyn and Sanders, I think we’ll have to wait and see whether being principled actually gets you anywhere. I don’t think you can doubt the tenacity of their beliefs. But can you translate that into power?

Twas the nizzle before chrismizzle and all through the hizzle.

When David Beckham got a tattoo of Jesus, the response from most soccer fans was, ‘That’s huge for Jesus. That’s a big deal for him’.

Wow. Losing 95 percent of your audience in just five years. That basically makes Obama the NBC of presidents.

I would say my number one tip is to know that it’s okay to be in love with yourself. That’s not a bad thing. People might think it’s cocky, or arrogant, or selfish – no, that’s not what that means. Being in love with yourself is okay.

There’s only one person for every job. You can try all you want, but if you’re not right for it, you’re not gonna get it.

There’s no substitute to being successful on an actual chart.

If the songs aren’t there and you throw a TV set out of the window, who cares?

I’m a flamboyant type of guy, a cooler version of Liberace.

It takes a lot of time, commitment and a choice. I’ve chosen this path, but it’s not to say I’m not open to love or whatever comes my way. You never close doors.

The only thing that I’m scared of is not livin’ up to the expectations of Dr. Dre and Eminem.

The blues was bleeding the same blood as me.

There’s no better money to spend than your own.

To me YES, AND means don’t be afraid to contribute. Always make sure you’re adding something to the discussion. Your initiations are worthwhile.

I’d say I’m a bit of a fatalist but not as much as I was. I used to be like “whatever happens happens” and have that innate fatalistic outlook. But I think it’s more about what you are thinking in your own mind that is the most powerful aspect of controlling your own life.

[On asserting herself] They want people they can push around. I was the girl who was always asking, “Why? Yeah, I know you want me to do that – but why?” I always thought people wanted to hear my opinions. (Grins) But I gave them anyway. It’s just blind self-confidence. I get like a little terrier about things. My mother says I should have been an attorney.