John Oliver

Because sex is like boxing, if one of the parties didn’t agree to participate, the other one is committing a crime.

[on Trump] Many people are happy to see him in office. Some are voters who think he’ll bring jobs back and shake up Washington; others are happy simply because he isn’t Hillary Clinton, and others of course are Vladimir Putin and Scott Baio. But, for the rest of us, we are faced with the same questions as a guy that woke up the day after a Vegas bachelor party, deep in the desert, naked, tied to a cactus and a dead clown, namely: How the f**k did we get here? and What the f**k do we do now?

Yes, it’s that special time of year where we voluntarily imbibe pumpkin spice lattes, the coffee that tastes like a candle.

Democracy is like a tambourine – not everyone can be trusted with it.’

If we don’t get actively involved to at least mitigate Trump’s damage, things will not be OK. And yes, the sun will rise each day, but the continuing rotation of the earth should not be your baseline expectation of American society.

You don’t need people’s opinion on a fact. You might as well have a poll asking: ‘Which number is bigger, 15 or 5?’ or ‘Do owls exist?’ or ‘Are there hats?’

Ignorance is bliss? That’s bull, far as I’m concerned. Because I was making a half a cent a side – one penny for a record. It’s like building buses, for example. If you built this bus for me and I didn’t know anything about it, you could charge me whatever I’d pay for it. Now, which one of us is crazy? Me. And that’s the way they did me on the records. But I don’t fault them for it, because if you don’t know, you don’t know. It took me to learn.

Researches reported that they developed a ‘self-healing’ plastic that repairs itself if cracked. The plastic will change the way airplanes are built and medicine is practiced. In a related story, Joan Rivers will never die.

I’ve had some pretty good experiences on everything, even if the film doesn’t always work.

Yeah. I still live in Canada, so it’s not quite the same. And when I’m in L.A., I’m in a car; you don’t have the contact with the public. It’s not so bad. It’s still pretty much the same. I still feel pretty normal-ish.

There are always going to be ridiculous rumors.

My husband said it was him or the cat. I miss him sometimes.

(While accepting the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for Good Will Hunting) Most of all, I want to thank my father, up there, the man who when I said I wanted to be an actor, he said, ‘Wonderful. Just have a back-up profession like welding.’

You gotta wear the right trousers if you’re gonna be a rock star.

I would say that one of your greatest accomplishments, Amy Poehler, is that you have so successfully used your art and comedy as a source of positivity in the world, by creating Smart Girls [an online community for girls, encouraging them to be their authentic selves], by making [Leslie in] Parks and Rec not only a positive feminist character but creating a good-hearted worldview within that program.

I’m competitive with anyone who writes a good song – I don’t care if it’s a band or solo artist or whoever.

I quit driving, I’m not retired.

Relax, stop overdoing it, and just breathe for a second.

By the way, when Oprah Winfrey is suggesting you may have overextended yourself, you need to examine your f**ing life.

I wanted to be in a band that shared ideas and were in it together.

I don’t speak particularly well. That’s one of the consequences of being extremely ugly.