Tina Fey

When humor works, it works because it’s clarifying what people already feel. It has to come from someplace real. You don’t just decide to destroy a person by making up stuff, and no one at SNL is writing to go after someone.

How do you expect me to see your nasty-looking eye ball if you don’t look straight ahead?

Say Yes. You’ll figure it out afterward.

What turning forty means to me- I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.

When I was going to school in, like, ’84 to ’88, you didn’t have cell phones. There was no e-mail, if you can wrap your brain around that.

[on Amy Poehler] Not only is she not afraid to look silly, she’s not afraid to let you throw her in the air like a basketball and catch her.

I’m a bit of a P.T. Barnum. I make stars out of everyone.

All you could do was to see them. We were backstage when the Beatles were on and you could just about hear a noise. It was just literally screaming.

Some of the best times in my life happened under the influence of drugs… I’d still be doing it if I could make good judgement calls. I’d still be doing it if I didn’t blow up to the size of an aircraft hangar, because it was a great time.

I don’t like my feet. I’m not crazy about anybody’s feet. But I have flat feet.

I’m a sucker for those sweeping love stories. When I read the script (The Notebook), I couldn’t stop crying! I just had such a powerful, instantaneous reaction – it was written so well.

You have to keep reminding yourself it’s not about money, because there is a lot of money to be made in this business if you’re willing to do whatever. But that’s not what I’m thinking about. I continue only to take movies because I love the script and because I really want to do it.

In L.A., unless you’ve just won an Oscar or you’re Mr. Studio Head, no one talks to you. Even at parties.

I almost chopped my thumb off once. Just before I left home, I was about ten or eleven years old, and I was trying to open a bone. Can you imagine that? A bone! I was trying to get the marrow out of a bone, and I took the ax, and I went to chop it, and something slipped, and the ax went right down there and damn near cut it off

Find something that makes you happy and go for it!

You must not look into that mirror at your doughy legs and flat feet. For today is about dreams and illusions, and unfiltered natural daylight is the enemy of dreams.

I try to keep a low profile in general. Not with my art, but just as a person.

I think I’d make a pretty good girlfriend.

An iPhone would be a more coherent president of the United States.

If you’re wondering why I was only nominated for three of the categories tonight, it’s because I don’t swallow.

Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.