John Oliver

News is not a game show. You don’t win a car if you happen to be right.

Because sex is like boxing, if one of the parties didn’t agree to participate, the other one is committing a crime.

The death penalty is like the McRib. When you can’t have it, it seems so tantalizing. But when they bring it back, you think, ‘Wow, this is ethically wrong’.

News is now one of the three things that we get from social media, the other two being our entire sense of self-worth and pictures of shaved alpacas.

Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language’s most offensive C-word.

[on Sarah Palin returning to Fox News] First tonight, I and the rest of America woke up this morning in the worst way imaginable.

All I can do is take influences from where I was raised.

This is between us! You know this is the best thing for the company.

I was motivated by just thinking that if you had all this external success that everyone would love you and everything would be peaceful and wonderful.

I can do anything I want to do really, I might as well.

I feel about Photoshop the way some people feel about abortion. It is appalling and a tragic reflection on the moral decay of our society… unless I need it, in which case, everybody be cool.

As Dan was doing school at the time I was just sitting by myself for ages and at the time I wanted to be taken really serious as an actor so I used to just sit around just drinking coffee all day and trying to look really intense.

I just want to make the best music of all time with my best friends.

My husband said it was him or the cat. I miss him sometimes.

I feel like true icons shift music, uplift music, switch music, have the balls to take a chance.

Paul is not someone trying to be Freddie. He’s someone trying to take this somewhere else… I’m very excited about working it all out.

What cha saying boy, you think Im playing boy, watch ya mouth girl, its a mans world.

Two Sundays don’t make a season. But if we keep it together, we are going to win a whole bunch of races this year.

At this time when I turn 50, because so there’s many of my friends and family who didn’t get to see 50-years-old, and so, I’m celebrating for them too.

When I was a question on Jeopardy!, that’s when I felt famous!

That had her lip-syncing to a record… There was no protection for her as a person or as an artist…