George Carlin

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed!

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Jazz musicians are the only workers who will put in a full shift for pay and then go somewhere else and continue to work for free.

Hobbies cost money but interests are free

No dog ever peed on a moving car.

Any company large enough to have a research lab is too large to listen to it.

Smiling is one of the highest forms of meditation.

There is no greater impotence in all the world like knowing you are right and that the wave of the world is wrong, yet the wave crashes upon you.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

The whole secret of a successful life is to find out what is one’s destiny to do, and then do it.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspision that he is trying to be funny.

Beware of monotony; it’s the mother of all the deadly sins.

When you allow a person’s words to upset you, you’re giving away your power.

You philosophers are lucky men. You write on paper and paper is patient. Unfortunate Empress that I am, I write on the susceptible skins of living beings.

You don’t get anything clean without getting something else dirty.

If you can find a way to be truly ambivalent about what people think about you as an artist you’re completely freed up because you just end up doing things that turn you on creatively, and then as a person you really try and drown the noise.

I didn’t just come in on a load of turnips!

I’m slipping. I’m made of departed dreams and a stubborn fog that feels nothing like a veil.

The difference between winners and losers is that winners do things losers don’t want to do.