John Oliver Quotes

Any single part of Brexit is a mountainous task and that is before you get to the tiny little bits that you understand that we haven’t even thought might be a problem. John Oliver

Prison sentences are a lot like penises – if they’re used correctly, even a short one can do the trick… is a rumor I have heard.

News is not a game show. You don’t win a car if you happen to be right.

Healthcare is like a pair of gym shorts. Even if it covers nearly all it is supposed to, you’re still left with some problematic gaps and terrible things can happen.

Calling Jeremy Corbyn the ‘British Bernie Sanders’ would be very reductive, very simplistic and probably the best way to explain him to Americans, while being wildly inaccurate. As for Corbyn and Sanders, I think we’ll have to wait and see whether being principled actually gets you anywhere. I don’t think you can doubt the tenacity of their beliefs. But can you translate that into power?

The crime rates among immigrants once [in the United States] are in relatively tiny digits, which is something Donald Trump should frankly understand given that he has ten of them attached to his miniscule wrists.

Whatever the occasion, [the Queen] has a face which demonstrably says ‘I don’t give a royal s**t.’

Payday loans are like the Lay’s Potato Chips of finance. You can’t have just one and they’re terrible for you.

It is a little insulting that you’re trying to appeal to adult women voters the same way that Mattel attempts to appeal to eight year olds. And at least Barbie’s pink bus had the good sense to unfold into a sweet hot tub and party den combo. … The only way it could be even more patronizing is if its wheels were giant NuvaRings and they refused to let women drive it.

There is nothing inherently wrong with media that has a viewpoint. This show has a viewpoint; we fact-check everything we say, but I don’t pretend to be neutral on things like criminal justice reform; I’m for it. Uh… Coldplay; I’m against it. Uh… or DeWalt ladders; they’re a seamless blend of style and performance. Walking up one is like ascending to Heaven on a golden cloud. I’m not being paid to say that. I’m just a fan.

I don’t know how you explain Piers Morgan back to Americans now. I don’t think he ever intended for America to be his home, and there’s a difference between criticising the place you have come to call home and the place you have come to live in for a bit. Ideally, on the Venn diagram between myself and Piers there would be no overlap whatsoever, on either a personal or professional level. If we could be two non-interlocking circles I’d be fine with that. Any comparison with him makes me want to challenge you to a duel.

So, uh, get ready for a barely changed version of Obamacare called Trumpcare, which sounds like a health care plan where doctors feel your breasts for lumps whether you ask them to or not.

Anthony Weiner’s alter ego is a Bolivian action hero slash porn star. ‘Danger… is my user name.’

Our president-elect [Trump] has at various times said he’d bomb civilians, loot oil, and waterboard, which isn’t a military strategy so much as the series of words that Donald Rumsfeld mutters so he can stay hard while he’s masturbating.

Wow, that is hard to watch. Hi, this is Ted Cruz, just calling to remind you to vote for a man who insulted my wife and said my dad helped kill JFK. Anyway, life has no meaning. Thank you. I want to die.

If we don’t get actively involved to at least mitigate Trump’s damage, things will not be OK. And yes, the sun will rise each day, but the continuing rotation of the earth should not be your baseline expectation of American society.

Oh but I’m serious this time. Take your American history books, burn them in the streets, they’re worthless after Tuesday. Why? The senate is up for grabs. I repeat – the f**king senate is up for grabs!

Student debt is like HPV – if you go to college, you are most likely to get it, and it will follow you for the rest of your life.

The death penalty is like the McRib. When you can’t have it, it seems so tantalizing. But when they bring it back, you think, ‘Wow, this is ethically wrong’.

Florida, just because you’re shaped like some combination of a gun and a d*ck doesn’t mean you have to act that way.

Optimism is nice if you can swing it. But you’ve got to be careful, because it can feed into the normalization of Donald Trump. And he is not normal. He’s abnormal. He’s a human What is wrong with this picture?