Tina Fey

I want to thank my parents for somehow raising me to have confidence that is disproportionate with my looks and abilities.

My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.

A coworker at SNL dropped an angry c-bomb on me and i had the weirdest reaction. To my surprise, I blurted, ‘No. You don’t get to call me that. My parents love me. I’m not some Adult Child of an Alcoholic that’s going to take that shit.’

Oh, nerds!

We’ll probably end up doing a terrible crossover, where the Matthew Perry character on the drama rapes my character on the comedy-and then the ‘Law & Order’ team solves the crime.

I say if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.

I didn’t get on TV until I was 30, which is really fortunate because you are who you are at that point.

I walked into this industry blond with red lips, and I will leave this industry blond with red lips. Mark my words.

What good are fans? You can’t eat applause for breakfast. You can’t sleep with it.

I pay all my own bills… I want to choose the man. I do not permit men to choose me.

I was motivated by just thinking that if you had all this external success that everyone would love you and everything would be peaceful and wonderful.

I wanted my voice to be a tenor sax, really.

Bitches don’t know if they wanna hate you or be you. Lemme change that. Bitches hate you cuz know they’ll never be you.

Don’t worry about being famous or making money; the most important thing is being the best. You have to become a master of your craft, and everything else will come.

If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you.

Cocaine is God’s way of saying that you’re making too much money.

There’s a lot of contemporary actresses I admire, but there’s practically no one who’s made a color movie whose career I’d want … I don’t feel very modern at all.

The fans are just as crazy. because we have the young fans and the old fans now, so it’s more like double-trouble for us.

Welcome to The Daily Show, I am John Oliver. And let’s just acknowledge for a moment that this is weird. This looks weird. It feels weird. It even sounds weird. It sounds weird to me and this is my actual voice.

I love the people here. I love New York.

I’ve only met Brad Pitt once before. Well, I didn’t really meet him. I kind of just stood behind him and smelled his hair. It smelled really good.