John Oliver

Drug companies are a bit like high school boyfriends. They’re much more concerned with getting inside you than being effective once they’re in there.

Think of our government as a body. The IRS is the anus. It’s nobody’s favorite part, but you need that thing working properly or everything goes to shit real quick.

D.C. went under federal control in 1801 and it wasn’t until the 1960s that D.C.’s then three quarters of a million citizens, mostly African American, were given even the most basic electoral rights … With that level of restriction the mayor of D.C. gets to run the city the way a school council president gets to run her high school.

Wow. Losing 95 percent of your audience in just five years. That basically makes Obama the NBC of presidents.

One failed attempt at a shoe bomb and we all take off our shoes at the airport. Thirty-one school shootings since Columbine and no change in our regulation of guns.

The crime rates among immigrants once [in the United States] are in relatively tiny digits, which is something Donald Trump should frankly understand given that he has ten of them attached to his miniscule wrists.

Who can wear the skimpiest outfit? I mean come on. These young girls are talented singers, they don’t need that, but they feel they have to be in competition to have the least covering. That’s the saddest thing.

Carine Roitfeld is the Walt Disney of what Tumblr is today. She is the Kanye West of what Tumblr is today. She’s the single most important person to what street style is today. Carine Roitfeld is the Walt Disney of what Tumblr is today. She is the Kanye West of what Tumblr is today. She’s the single most important person to what street style is today.

I’ve gotten to a point with fashion where I just don’t care. I wear and I do what I want because I like it, because I am confident in it, because it makes me feel good. That’s the only way you can do it.

The thing the sixties did was to show us the possibilities and the responsibility that we all had. It wasn’t the answer. It just gave us a glimpse of the possibility.

I feel like I represent normalcy in some way.

You don’t need people’s opinion on a fact. You might as well have a poll asking: ‘Which number is bigger, 15 or 5?’ or ‘Do owls exist?’ or ‘Are there hats?’

I think Pete did have a hard time as a kid with his appearance. But don’t all kids have a hard time? God, I had a hard time, too. I was little with bow legs and rickets. I used to get picked on like everybody used to get picked on.

So, Alec Baldwin; great actor or greatest actor? I’m gonna say “greatest actor”; Greatest…living…American…actor…in…the Baldwin family…by a mile.

No, I was two years older than the other guys. I was a war baby. My family were a lot poorer than they were. I’d had to fight too hard for anything I had in my life and to smash things up for me.

My mother was a gypsy, and she had a lot of dark blood in her, and her hair was very, very thick – she couldn’t even get a brush through it. So I have been very fortunate. And every time I go to cut it off, hairdressers refuse to do it.

I don’t normally do shoots in bikinis – I’m just not that kind of girl. But for ‘Maxim’ I was like, ‘Bring it on!’ I wanted to wear the higher heels and the skimpier bathing suit. I figured I’d go for it!

It is also a testament to the role that Ireland and its citizens have played towards combating world hunger, poverty and under-development in agriculture and rural development,

If you retain nothing else, always remember the most important rule of beauty, which is: who cares?

Diamonds are a girl’s best friend and dogs are a man’s best friend. Now you know which sex has more sense.

The memories of a man in his old age, are the deeds of a man in his prime.