Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which, before their union, were not perceived to have any relation.
We may not pay Satan reverence, for that would be indiscreet, but we can at least respect his talents.
There are no grades of vanity, there are only grades of ability in concealing it.
Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
Gratitude is a debt which usually goes on accumulating like blackmail; the more you pay, the more is exacted. In time, you are made to realize that the kindness done you is become a curse and you wish it had not happened.
The trouble ain’t that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain’t distributed right.
Drag your thoughts away from your troubles… by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.
Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.
The lack of money is the root of all evils.
Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.
If they had not landed there would be some reason for celebrating the fact.
Intellectual work is misnamed; it is a pleasure, a dissipation, and is its own highest reward.
I am a democrat only on principle, not by instinct – nobody is that. Doubtless some people say they are, but this world is grievously given to lying.
It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
A joke, even if it be a lame one, is nowhere so keenly relished or quickly applauded as in a murder trial.
The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out, the conservative adopts them.
The billiard table is better than the doctor.
Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
Fueling your body is a process… The secret of getting ahead is getting started.
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