Tina Fey

Prostitutes in Lyons, France, sent a fax to the government to complain that they are losing business to Eastern European women who are protected by the Albanian mafia. Okay, first of all, how rough-looking are these French prostitutes that all their customers are running to the Albanians? Secondly, why did they send a fax, and from whence? Do they have a fax machine in the whorehouse, or did they all trundle down to Kinko’s – “You fax these, I’ll let you shave me.” Thirdly, how come French whores know how to work a fax machine, but every time I try to use it, I hit Powersave, or I forget to dial 9? This just proves what my boyfriend always says – that I am dumber than a French whore.

Twitter seems like a busman’s holiday: just more writing. I have no plans to do it. I’ll just stick with my 24/7 webcam. I’m old-fashioned that way.

When I was really young, I loved the movie ‘White Christmas’ – I still do – and I thought Rosemary Clooney was so pretty. When I was, like, nine, I would tell people, ‘You know who I kind of look like? Rosemary Clooney.’

By the time you are in your 40s, what you want to wear and what you think is sexy is not always, like, for another person. It’s what makes you feel good.

I was a very confident little kid.

There are no mistakes, only opportunities.

I do think things were meant to happen. I’m just this little girl from Tennessee, and here I am today. I think a lot of things are just out of your hands.

I hope we left you with something to put under your pillow.

I think that passion and love and pain are all bearable, and they go to make love beautiful.

Americans have always had sex symbols. It’a time-honored tradition and I’m flattered to have been one. But it’s hard to have a long, fruitful career once you’ve been stereotyped that way. That’s why I’m proud to say I’ve endured.

But once I acclimated and really used fame for what it was offering me as a tool to serve my life purpose of inspiring and contributing, then it started to get fun again.

I’m a big fan of ‘The Office’, both the British and the American versions.

Apparently, I think it’s Columbia Records has Betty Wand’s name on all of the stuff that I did, too, and that’s made me very, very unhappy.

Hate a liar more than I hate thief. A thief is only after my salary a liar is after my reality.

I have my moments – usually twice every album – when I basically lose it.

My dream job is being a pianist.

People say that I’m a millionaire, but that’s not true – I only spend millions.

[on Amy Poehler] Not only is she not afraid to look silly, she’s not afraid to let you throw her in the air like a basketball and catch her.

I don’t want to wear high heels because I can’t run around with my son. So, for real life, I like to be in jeans and nice-cut shirts. I appreciate good tailoring.

In the middle of everything that I’ve done as a singer or as somebody who’s jumped on top of a few old books and turned ‘em into songs about hobbits f*cking vikings, I think I’ve danced a beautiful dance through it all, without becoming too much of a cliche. I’ve enjoyed the two-step. It’s brought me great gifts.

I’m not sensitive, I give people things exactly the way they are, and if they’re ready to absorb it they will, and if they aren’t they won’t.