Mark Twain

Man was made at the end of the week’s work when God was tired.

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.

To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with.

Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run. Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

Barring that natural expression of villainy which we all have, the man looked honest enough.

Except during the nine months before he draws his first breath, no man manages his affairs as well as a tree. We are inclined to believe those whom we do not know because they have never deceived us.

All misfortune is but a stepping stone to fortune.

Studies serve for delight, for ornaments, and for ability.

Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.

You are now fixed at the mercy of no governor that comes to make his fortune great; you shall be governed by laws of your own making and live a free, and if you will, a sober and industrious life. I shall not usurp the right of any, or oppress his person. God has furnished me with a better resolution and has given me his grace to keep it.

Energy doesn’t lie so trust those vibes you’re getting.

For what avail the plough or sail, Or land or life, if freedom fail?

Any 20 year-old who isn’t a liberal doesn’t have a heart, and any 40 year-old who isn’t a conservative doesn’t have a brain.

From the deepest desires often come the deadliest hate.

Speech of yourself ought to be seldom and well chosen.

Justice though moving with tardy pace, has seldom failed to overtake the wicked in their flight.

My emancipation don’t fit your equation.

We are free to yield to truth.

We have reached a point today where labor-saving devices are good only when they do not throw the worker out of his job.

The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.