Mark Twain

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

It takes an enemy and a friend, working together, to hurt you to the heart. The one to slander you, and the other to get the news to you.

We need not worry so much about what man descends from; it’s what he descends to that shames the human race.

Don’t tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don’t tell them where they know the fish.

The educated Southerner has no use for an ‘R’, except at the beginning of a word.

All schools, all colleges, have two great functions: to confer, and to conceal, valuable knowledge. The theological knowledge which they conceal cannot justly be regarded as less valuable than that which they reveal. That is, when a man is buying a basket of strawberries it can profit him to know that the bottom half of it is rotten.

Even the youngest of us may be wrong sometimes.

I will be conquered; I will not capitulate.

No man was ever great by imitation.

Merry Christmas! the man threatened.

A man who has no office to go to – I don’t care who he is – is a trial of which you can have no conception.

No verse can give pleasure for long, nor last, that is written by drinkers of water.

Happiness is a perfume which you cannot pour on someone without getting some on yourself.

Our planet is being turned into a filthy and evil-smelling imperialist barrack.

Englishmen hate Liberty and Equality too much to understand them. But every Englishman loves a pedigree.

The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Breed is stronger than pasture.

If you are cold, tea will warm you; if you are too heated, it will cool you; If you are depressed, it will cheer you; If you are excited, it will calm you.

The progress of rivers to the ocean is not so rapid as that of man to error.

Kindness is in our power, even when fondness is not.

Ahh, that mountain of self-discovery. Every time you have reached the summit, the clouds clear and you see there is still a ways to go. Don’t look up with thoughts of despair; thinking how much further do I have to go?! Take a moment and look back to see how far you have come. Don’t lose sight of your accomplishments, and focus on the continued commitment to self-discovery and development.