John Oliver

Wow. Losing 95 percent of your audience in just five years. That basically makes Obama the NBC of presidents.

Healthcare is like a pair of gym shorts. Even if it covers nearly all it is supposed to, you’re still left with some problematic gaps and terrible things can happen.

So, uh, get ready for a barely changed version of Obamacare called Trumpcare, which sounds like a health care plan where doctors feel your breasts for lumps whether you ask them to or not.

[on Trump lying] They are self-serving half-truths from a self-serving half-man who has somehow convinced half the country that sacrifice is the same thing as success.

So it’s an aging product that’s decreasing in popularity and yet somehow it just can’t stop making money. It’s basically the agricultural equivalent of U2.

Trump hasn’t said one crazy thing, he’s said thousands of crazy things, each of which blunts the effect of the others.

I’m not very experienced with boys or the whole dating thingy.

We aren’t cool and never will be.

But I like to listen to demos. I like to hear the finished product. It’s like listening to a song – I mean, a story. If you’re going to sit here and tell me a story, I just like to listen. I don’t want to make them up.

Left to my own devices, I dress like I’m here to service your aquarium.

The older you get the more capable you get at managing life.

I’m a woman now.

News is now one of the three things that we get from social media, the other two being our entire sense of self-worth and pictures of shaved alpacas.

What cha saying boy, you think Im playing boy, watch ya mouth girl, its a mans world.

If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs.

[on being labeled the next big thing] I don’t take it seriously. Because I’m the one living my life. I mean, I’ve got this tiny part in this big Brad Pitt movie, and everyone here thinks I’m playing Sally to Brad Pitt’s Harry. I’m not, and I’m constantly having to say that.

When I was really young, I loved the movie ‘White Christmas’ – I still do – and I thought Rosemary Clooney was so pretty. When I was, like, nine, I would tell people, ‘You know who I kind of look like? Rosemary Clooney.’

To play June, I had an immediate connect with her background and culture. We grew up with the same religion and shared a lot of the same values of family and spirituality. But I was really so inspired by what a modern woman she was.

People find out I’m an actress and I see that ‘whore’ look flicker across their eyes.

I love Obama. I’m sure we’ll hang out, go to Richard Branson’s island. It’ll be cool.

I’ve had tinnitus for about ten years, and since I started protecting my ears it hasn’t got any worse – touch wood.