John Oliver

[reacting to George Zimmerman’s acquittal] I think it might honestly be time for the Sunshine State to officially change its motto to the Worst State.

Sarah Palin has been hired back by Fox News, and she only left five months ago. She has now effectively quit quitting. She can’t even commit to being uncommitted.

Welcome to The Daily Show, I am John Oliver. And let’s just acknowledge for a moment that this is weird. This looks weird. It feels weird. It even sounds weird. It sounds weird to me and this is my actual voice.

We often read transcripts of Trump’s speeches, and it’s something that everyone should actually do once in a while. When you strip away his blindingly confident delivery and just read his words, it is staggering how incoherent he is.

Whatever the occasion, [the Queen] has a face which demonstrably says ‘I don’t give a royal s**t.’

[on Sarah Palin returning to Fox News] First tonight, I and the rest of America woke up this morning in the worst way imaginable.

With my platform, I want to try and do good things and help people.

The only way I could get comfortable around people was to make them laugh. I was an obedient girl, and humor was my one form of rebellion.

The difference between male comedy writers and female comedy writers is that the male ones are taller and weigh more.

[on British Red Cross album to assist and create awareness of Refugee Crisis] The position we are in, it’s paramount we all do our best one way or another to help.

Be different, stand out, and work your butt off.

I have to tell you, and I don’t mean this as sour grapes or anything, but it is hard to play for fans who see you all the time, makes it much harder.

How do you expect me to see your nasty-looking eye ball if you don’t look straight ahead?

Comedy is acting out optimism.

[on Disney banning junk food adverts] I think when you can get an occupant of the White House behind you, particularly one as formidable and effective and passionate as Mrs. Obama, that can’t hurt

[On turning down the chance to appear in Ocean’s Twelve] Why say a couple of lines opposite Brad Pitt when I could be playing lead back home?

Even when I was at ‘SNL,’ I didn’t do impersonations. I always wanted to be the kind of person who could do them – I always thought they were the coolest thing on the show – but I didn’t have any experience.

I don’t have any illusions anymore. The illusion that rock ‘n’ roll could change anything – I don’t believe that. I’ve changed. Who would have ever thought that I’d end up saying that I want to be an all-around entertainer? But that’s what I want to be.

When humor works, it works because it’s clarifying what people already feel. It has to come from someplace real.

The postman wants an autograph. The cab driver wants a picture. The waitress wants a handshake. Everyone wants a piece of you.

You don’t worry about being liked. You have to be yourself.