John Oliver

Oh but I’m serious this time. Take your American history books, burn them in the streets, they’re worthless after Tuesday. Why? The senate is up for grabs. I repeat – the f**king senate is up for grabs!

Wow. Losing 95 percent of your audience in just five years. That basically makes Obama the NBC of presidents.

A hundred and thirteen is a lot of tests. It’s approaching the amount that you’d ask your doctor for the morning after you woke up from a one-night stand with Colin Farrell.

Trump hasn’t said one crazy thing, he’s said thousands of crazy things, each of which blunts the effect of the others.

I don’t know how you explain Piers Morgan back to Americans now. I don’t think he ever intended for America to be his home, and there’s a difference between criticising the place you have come to call home and the place you have come to live in for a bit. Ideally, on the Venn diagram between myself and Piers there would be no overlap whatsoever, on either a personal or professional level. If we could be two non-interlocking circles I’d be fine with that. Any comparison with him makes me want to challenge you to a duel.

In the last series, we set up a church [to expose televangelists and the ease of avoiding tax through establishing a religious organisation]. It took a lot of legal advice and months of gathering correspondence with one pastor. In terms of the UK, I’m not sure what the Inland Revenue’s position on churches is. The IRS is very much of the opinion that all churches, whatever their form, operate tax free. How would I make sense of what we achieved? We achieved nothing! We achieved $70,000 in single [donations], a four-foot wooden penis and five vials of human sperm. Although a lot of people would consider that a decent year’s work, I suppose. It’s a pretty impressive room full of tat.

I’ve had tinnitus for about ten years, and since I started protecting my ears it hasn’t got any worse – touch wood.

The whole idea of music, from the beginning of time, was for people to be happy.

[on Kylie Jenner’s cover shoot] I need a half hour to cry

Nudity for fictional characters is as normal and mundane as eating breakfast. What bothers me is our culture’s obsession with nudity. It shouldn’t be a big deal, but it is. I think this overemphasis with nudity makes actors nervous. There’s the worry about seeing one’s body dissected, misrepresented, played and replayed on YouTube.

I might get mad all over again watching our premiere.

Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party.

I found that the more truthful and vulnerable I was, the more empowering it was for me.

I was quite intimidated by Ralph Fiennes. I didn’t really talk to him while I was doing Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and the only thing I did with him was when he stepped on my head. Then I went to this play and he was there. And this girl said, “you’ve worked with Ralph Fiennes haven’t you, Robert?” and I was like, “well, no…” and Ralph said, “yes, I stepped on your head.” And that was the extent of our conversation.

When David Beckham got a tattoo of Jesus, the response from most soccer fans was, ‘That’s huge for Jesus. That’s a big deal for him’.

You know, I have some issues. But I just love to play different characters all the time, and I try not to repeat myself too much.

There are so few great talents, it’s always a discovery when you find the one.

I’ve got CDs in my car, listening all the time for that next song, because everybody’s looking.

I’m not a mean person, but I have a capacity for it. I have the biting comment formed somewhere in the back of my head – like it’s in captivity. Sometimes people expect that I’m going to be tough. It’s not a bad situation. People treat you better. People are on time.

I don’t like a tremendous amount of conflict. I don’t think that fighting and passion are the same thing.

Being good is about being an all-round contributor in the great world of music.