John Oliver

Whatever the occasion, [the Queen] has a face which demonstrably says ‘I don’t give a royal s**t.’

Think of our government as a body. The IRS is the anus. It’s nobody’s favorite part, but you need that thing working properly or everything goes to shit real quick.

[on Trump lying] They are self-serving half-truths from a self-serving half-man who has somehow convinced half the country that sacrifice is the same thing as success.

There is nothing inherently wrong with media that has a viewpoint. This show has a viewpoint; we fact-check everything we say, but I don’t pretend to be neutral on things like criminal justice reform; I’m for it. Uh… Coldplay; I’m against it. Uh… or DeWalt ladders; they’re a seamless blend of style and performance. Walking up one is like ascending to Heaven on a golden cloud. I’m not being paid to say that. I’m just a fan.

Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language’s most offensive C-word.

[on the NSA spying scandal] Mr. President, no one is saying you broke any laws, we’re just saying it’s a little bit weird you didn’t have to.

I resent performing for frisking idiots who don’t know anything.

This heart of mine could never see what everybody knew but me

Nothing is creepier than a bunch of adults being very quiet.

Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue. In what other profession would you brag about not knowing stuff? I’m not one of those fancy Harvard heart surgeons. I’m just an unlicensed plumber with a dream and I’d like to cut your chest open. The crowd cheers.

I like to delude myself that I’m in the old-Hollywood mode. I just tailor my clothes well and try to keep my skin clear. While it would be great to work out an hour a day, there is something inherently sort of selfish about it. I can’t do it.

It would be great to see somebody like Kid Rock kissing a man. But I’m sure that he wouldn’t like the prospect of it put to him, and I won’t even go there with Eminem.

To be on this set today, I feel very blessed for the second chance and for the opportunity, my record company believing in me and everybody here just showing me so much love and support.

I have three other siblings, so it’s all very equal – even when I get a little cocky, which I usually do. My brother keeps me in a headlock. He says that I’m not a celebrity in this house.

I have to tell you, and I don’t mean this as sour grapes or anything, but it is hard to play for fans who see you all the time, makes it much harder.

I look like an angel, but I can play the bitch.

I always thought that was so strange that people would try to corral you and pigeonhole you in one category and not play you anywhere else.

We’re ride or die. But I don’t accept the way we criticize and judge each other anymore. My personal growth doesn’t allow it.

When I’m alone, I can sleep crossways in bed without an argument.

Then I got a call the next day from the assistant director saying that they were putting me on a personal training programme. I thought that would be pretty cool, because it would make me take it seriously. It was run by one of the stunt team, who are the most absurdly fit guys inthe world. I can’t even do 10 press ups. I did about three weeks of that, and in the end I think he got so bored of trying to force me to do it that he wrote it all down so that I could do it at home.

You can never say you’re big – I don’t think you can ever take anything like that for granted.